25 Wishes.

Well, I am officially going to be a quarter. That's right - as of February 3rd (Super Bowl Sunday - which has its irony considering the oh-so avid American football fan that I am), I am a quarter of a century years old.

 

This year, I just want to make wishes (aka goals) for myself. From the trivial to the ones that are more shaping and important, I really want to focus from this point forward on improving myself - seeking things that I can work on so that I can grow as a person in all aspects of my life.

1. Move.
I've been looking at places to buy, and I really want my goal to be to find a place and get the ball rolling on that before summer (so before June). I want to at least put offers in and weigh things out so that I don't find a billion reasons to stall.

You best believe I'll have champagne jello shots covered in pop rocks at my housewarming party.

2. Travel more often.
I am having such a ridiculous case of wanderlust. I am craving new places, foods, and people so much (and Pinterest + all of you posting vacation pictures does NOT help at all!). I want to go places and experience other cultures - really experience things, not just do the expected things.

3. Stock up on more wardrobe staples.
Because as a real adult, I should be able to have a closet just for cardigans, right? I mean, it totally worked for Mr. Rogers. Really though, I need more classic pieces that I can really invest in, vs. buying a bunch of trendy things from H&M or Anthropologie that I won't wear a few seasons from now. I'm beginning to figure out my personal style, and I want my entire wardrobe to reflect that.

4. Figure out a tattoo to get.
I've got to grow up and figure out what I want. I'm stuck right now - I know I definitely, definitely want one and want it to somehow tie in to be in memory of Poppy, but I'm just debating what exactly I want to start out with. I also have to be careful of placement with my career, since it's still pretty old school with things like that. Le sigh.



5. Grow thicker skin.
I seriously need some help in learning how to let things go or how to not let them get to me as much. Sometimes I can take things very personally, and I need more help with picking my battles.



6. Volunteer more at animal shelters and continue my vegetarianism.
I have seriously always wanted a teacup pig for a pet - this becomes my mantra every time I miss bacon (because seriously, I have yet to discover good soy bacon). I also love volunteering at shelters, even to just walk the dogs - it's a win win; exercise + spending time with animals.



7. Learn that my emotions/feelings ARE important.
I don't know where my mentality on this came from, but sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to be angry, sad, upset, whatever. I put other people and their feelings above my own and try to patch things up so that they're comfortable, even if I'm not. I need to realize that being upset does not turn me into crazy, over emotional girl - someone who I never want to become.



8. Read more.
Seriously. I just put in requests for Gone Girl, Gods Behaving Badly, and The Night Circus. I don't want this reading binge to go away.



9. Learn how to make really, really good coffee at home, not out of a Keurig.
Because Keurig ain't helping me in the morning when I'm in a rush and need multiple cups, and going to Starbucks every day before work is burning a hole in my pocket. There's got to be some trick to it, and I'm going to figure it out!

10. Stay on top of yoga and work my way up to Scorpion pose.
This has been a goal for for-ev-er. I really want to master this.

11. Do more DIY.
Especially with the potential moving, I want to become more crafty so that I'm not totally relying on Pottery Barn and Anthropologie for home decor - especially since I'm a teacher and need to save my pennies whenever possible!



12. Compartmentalize more.
I often have a very hard time separating work from my personal life and vice versa. I want to be able to leave work at work, as much as I can so that I'm not moody or short with people when it really isn't their fault.

13. Think about the food I'm putting into my body.
I am never going to say no to a cupcake. However, there are things I can say no to. I might be extremely thin, but if my body is shot to shit on the inside, it doesn't really matter. I want to do a lot better with vegetables, not just picking, eating enough (I have working lunches way too often - aka I eat water for lunch).. I want to really start taking care of my body and kicking my own ass about my poor eating habits.



14. Laugh more often.
Sometimes I am a crab, and I don't want to be an old crab.



15. Cut down on shopping.
I have a slight problem - I currently have two rooms in my parents' house that have no other purpose but to store my overflow clothes. I started an Ebay store to sell some of it,  but I really need to cut back, because it's definitely wasteful and unnecessary to own 4 pairs of the same J Brand skinnies (in the same wash, just in case something happens to them).

16. Stop being as nice..
Just to make someone else happy. If a creepy guy at a bar asks for my number, I need to understand that saying no isn't going to destroy his self esteem totally and completely. What ends up happening, is I avoid text messages, phone calls, etc., which is probably even worse in the long run. Sometimes, it's okay to hurt someone's feelings a bit if it means that in the long run, you're putting YOURSELF first, and saving whatever the person you're trying to appease, that realization that you pitied them.



17. Give more genuine compliments.
Sometimes I bullshit with compliments because I feel like I SHOULD say them. There is no law about this, and it is way better to say something you actually mean. This is better than hundreds of empty compliments.

18. Make time for positive reinforcement.
I often take to social networks to complain about bad service, a bad experience, etc. with a company - but I think I also need to take the time to shout out all of the amazing employees I encounter, and pass that along, whether via social networking or by emailing the HR of a company to pass along these good deeds.
I started calling parole officers of my students to share their hard work, good attendance, etc. and I've seen such a difference in the attitudes of my students to me and towards themselves.


19. Not care as much...
about trivial things. I want to wear what I want and not care what anyone thinks. I don't want to get bothered if someone makes a silly comment or remark about something that doesn't matter. These things are not important and most likely, people don't realize what they're doing or saying. And if they do, when they can't get a rise out of you, they often stop and move on.



20. Protect my skin.
By botoxing that shit up! (Just kidding). I am terrible at moisturizing, and putting sunscreen on my face. I feel like 25 is the age to break out the products and just start really taking care of myself, inside and out.



21. Have days when I eat whatever I want without feeling guilty.
Everyone needs a day when you can indulge - it shouldn't be every day, but sometimes I end up missing out because I am trying to be healthy (or because I've skipped meals and don't realize how freaking hungry I SHOULD be).



22. Embrace my inner nerd.
It is okay that I love Harry Potter, have the Cultiwords app on my phone to learn new vocabulary, do the New York Times crossword puzzle. There is no shame in that. I am nerdy, and I do not care and need to stop caring or making apologies for this. (Now excuse me, while I push my glasses up further on my nose).



23. Take more real pictures.
Sorry, Nikon dSLR. I've been neglecting you. iPhone pictures just aren't the same.

24. Cook more often, and experiment with new recipes.
I get into ruts where I make the same foods over and over because they're easy and I'm good at making certain things. I really want to learn how to cook more inventive things that are still healthy (so many of you inspire me to cook more - I'm looking at you, Lauren, Carol, Nicole, and Tracy!). If you guys have any delish vegan or vegetarian recipes, please feel free to send them my way!

25. Blog more often.
I really do miss you all when I'm absent from blogging. I will probably never be able to blog more than once a week, but I do want to make every effort to stay in touch with you all through blogging and commenting! This is definitely a big wish of mine for this upcoming year :)

What have been some of your milestone birthdays? Any wishes that you make when you blow your candles out? xox

Currently listening to: Juicy - Notorious B.I.G. (The lyrics about "birthdays was the worst days" is one of my favorites in any hip hop song. Ever).

Frenemies.

I've always been the type of person who hates change - I know, that's so cliche and everyone is thinking, "Uhm, doesn't everyone?" The difference is, I would go out of my way to ensure that things do not change, even if it meant that I was miserable in the midst of it. There were years when I allowed people to walk all over me, didn't stand up for myself, got into stupid situations where I knew better -- and it's nobody's fault but my own.

These past few years, I've been evolving. It's been a slow process (I mean, evolution on a whole took millions of years, right? So I think I'm a quick study) - but I'm getting there more and more. I've realized that the very nature of growing and evolving means that change is inevitable, and that it's messy, hurts like hell, and makes things very uncomfortable, but that if you're going to be happy in the end, you've got to suck it up and do what's best for you.

There are people in our lives who run their course, and then things just end. This is one of the hardest things for me - when you have to end a friendship, especially one with a considerable amount of history. This is something I've struggled with for a long time - I've always had a lot of friends, most good, but some who became these succubus type of people, who just latched on and basically drained every ounce of energy and positivity from you. 

I think almost everyone has had (or has) someone like this in their life - the person who expects you to be miserable when they are miserable, the person who ditches you when they're dating someone, but then when they're single they expect you to be around all the time, the person who stirs the pot, or preys upon your insecurities because they're feeling miserable or insecure. 

Unfortunately for me, this person was my best friend. It hurts me to write this, but I need an outlet from a third party, and this blog remains separated from those I know in my "real life" for precisely this reason.



There had been red flags for a while, but since I've been dating Ed for a while and my ex best friend's relationship was slowly deteriorating, I began to notice more and more unavoidable red flags, basically summoning me to face my fear and hatred of change. 

It started when she told me that he had lied to me, and that before he and I started dating, he had been sleeping with one of the girls who hangs out in our group - someone who I absolutely adore and had hung out with (along with him). She explained that everyone in the group knew about this, and that everyone had said they shouldn't tell me because they didn't want me to worry about it or feel insecure. It was then said that this particular girl talked shit about me all of the time, and basically bragged that I was in the dark about her and Ed having a history and me not knowing it. This was especially upsetting because it had come up  jokingly in conversation before, and I had asked him if they ever hooked up, and he had  told me flat out that it had never happened.

That feeling of everyone knowing something and you being the last to know is maybe one of the worst out there -- so after I bawled my eyes out at dinner over feeling so stupid and hurt, I called him up to confront him in person. The timing was also terrible, since he and I had just gotten back from an amazing trip to Philly together - and before we left we had hung out with this girl, dancing and drinking. It just made me feel like a complete and total idiot.

He immediately picked up, and I guess when I had the cold bitch voice (though I didn't say "We need to talk"), he knew it was pretty serious, so we met up ten minutes later where I shared what had been said and just wanted to know one way or the other what had happened.

Turns out - 0% of the story was true. The two of them never even hooked up, let alone had ever, ever slept together - and she absolutely adored me. 

It clicked even more for me when I got home that night (after calling my parents and saying that there was a chance they might need to pick me up because I was a mess), and my parents asked if I was okay. After I explained what had happened, my parents both said at the same time, "Well, we figured that's what happened - she never wants you to be happy."

This was the beginning of a pattern that continued to escalate and get more asinine with each story. Every time I met with my "best friend" she reminded me of exes who had treated me badly, and then paralleled that with my new relationship.

She told me all of the horrible things that Edwin said about me behind my back; that he was biding his time with me until something better came along, etc. These were things that someone who was supposed to be my very best friend, have my back, care about me was telling me on a regular basis. She began using things and past relationships against me to bring me down over and over again - the comments started piling up where soon, everything became, "Yeah, but you thought that _________ wouldn't cheat on you, and look how that turned out. Maybe you're just disposable," blasé, blasé along those lines.

I began to doubt myself - which is the most dangerous thing you can ever do to yourself. Once you lose faith in yourself, you become susceptible to believing into anything that is said - which in turn made me become a shell of myself.  I'm lucky that I was able to look within myself and realize that I needed to define who I was - not let the past or insecurities make me feel like I didn't deserve to be happy.

Again, once I started becoming acutely aware of all the warning signs (statements like, after she broke up with her ex boyfriend, "Well at least now we can be single together!" or "We're totally going through the same situation since both of us dated guys who don't care about us and treated us badly and would talk to other girls"), I realized how stupid I was for letting someone else - a third party who isn't even friends with Ed and isn't a real friend to me - define my relationship and turn me against myself.

There was a night when she and I went out to dinner together that ended in me drinking two bottles of wine solo (oops), sitting in a restaurant sobbing, and then having to call my parents to have them come pick me up and drive my car back home. This was definitely the breaking point for me (uhm, finally, Allison!) - on the car ride home, after my mom figured out that I do not have keys for my car and it is a push start, she said to me, "Do you see how un-fucking-healthy this is for you?"

I was blown away for two reasons - one: my mother has said that word three times in my entire life; two: it was just so obvious. Here I was letting someone else dictate my happiness - dictate the fights that Edwin and I got into (seriously - almost every single fight escalated from me becoming insecure or upset about something that was said).

It was beyond unhealthy - and it increased because when I got home that night, she sent me a text saying that I should stop being so depressed and emotional and that maybe it was time for me to suck it up and count my blessings instead of being such a spoiled brat because that was why no guy would ever want to be with me, and why she was my only true friend. 

When I finally stood up to her (in a very ladylike way that ended with my saying, "I think you should go fuck yourself"), it was like a weight was lifted. Now, when I get texts from her friends asking me why I'm so mean to her, why I'm such a bitch, etc., I let them bounce off me.

A friend is someone who is happy when you're happy - even if things in their life isn't going very well; it's someone who will cry with you, or just be a shoulder; and someone who doesn't use things you're self conscious about as a weapon or leverage.

Will we make up? Maybe, but there is some serious healing that needs to take place.

Everyone that I have spoken with since the friendship breakup has told me that I seem happier and more positive - there is only one dynamic in my life that has changed, which I feel is also very telling. I heard from at least 10 people (seriously), "We never liked her and thought she was toxic for you, but we tolerated her because she was your best friend." Someone says that once, it resonates, but not as much as when ten different people from different groups of friends tell you the same thing. I wasn't perfect, and don't pretend to be - I make as many mistakes as the next person, so please don't think I'm sitting here on my throne because there is plenty I need to still work on.

For now though, I'm happy. I feel good about myself, my relationship, my friendships, and work.  Will things with Ed and I be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. Do I know if this is something that will work out long term? No, I don't think anyone knows what the future holds. But I'm proud of myself for putting ME first - and I feel that it's a step towards more happiness in the long run.



Have you ever had to have a serious friendship breakup? How did you handle it?

Sorry for the very intense post - it's just one of those cathartic writing exercises for moi.

Currently listening to: Sweet Nothing (Extended Mix) - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

Bookworm.

I'm an English Lit minor, so to say that I love to read would be a serious understatement. The problem for me started during college, when I had to read so many required books for both my Elementary Education classes and to fill the requirements to have a minor as well, that reading for fun just was lost on me.

I made a promise that I was going to start reading for fun more - and that I was going to keep track of what I was reading so that if I needed to make recommendations to friends/family, I could have something to pull from. So I started a goal of reading at least a book a month for fun - usually I shoot really high with goals and set myself up to fail, so amidst a social life, work, and just being stressed for time, I figured this was an accomplish-able goal.

I set up a book journal, mainly because the first book that I read for fun introduced a ton of characters, and I found that writing down what was going on helped me to really enjoy the book so much. Plus, I can be highly OCD, so having an organized list of books I read and notes I made about them appeased the crazy in my head that would happen if I just wrote down notes on notebook paper and stuffed it somewhere.

So in case you are in need of some books, these are a few of my favorites that I HIGHLY recommend. 

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society - by Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows.

 

-Told as a series of letters from a ton of different characters to one specific woman - can get a bit confusing to try to  remember everyone (hence writing it all down), but this book is incredible. 

-Told in two parts - the exact notes I wrote say, 

"Beautifully written and gripping - takes a little while to get into it and sort out different characters, but it so worth the investment. This book is an absolute gem and I would recommend it to anyone". 

-Rating: 4.5/5

The Glass Castle - by Jeannette Walls

-I have a soft spot for memoirs. This book bothered me and really stuck with me. It was one of those books that leaves you thinking, "Wait, something isn't right here." What Walls goes through is abusive in a very strange way that you can't quite put your finger on right away. 

-My notes say, 

"While this was emotionally unsettling, I couldn't put this book down. It is raw, real, and emotional from start to finish. Made me feel guilty for ever complaining that my life was unfair/hard/etc." 

-Rating 4.5/5

Nineteen Minutes - by Jodi Picoult

-This was recommended by a friend of mine, so I decided to read it. Picoult books are a guilty pleasure - she actually is a good writer, but her stories become kind of the same. You know there is going to be a huge twist ending, (hello, My Sister's Keeper, anyone?!), and they're quick reads, which isn't a bad thing. 

-It's told through all different perspectives of residents in a small town after a school shooting (obviously I read this book before the events in Newtown - I don't think I could have handled reading a book like this now in spite of recent events). It flips from past to present events to show progression and character development. 

-My notes say: 

"Not necessarily great/classic literature, but gripping and extremely thought provoking. An easy, quick read that could be good for a book club because of the discussion it could prompt". 

-Rating: 3.5/5

The Bell Jar - by Sylvia Plath

-I am both a feminist and a book nerd, so I do not know how I let this book pass me up for so many years. It reminds me (and my notes even say that stylistically it is similar to) of The Catcher in the Rye, told by a female point of view. The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book of all time, so it figures that I would like this one just as much. 

-This book is almost hard to read at times, because it is said that this book was really Plath describing her own struggles with extreme depression and emotional disorders/psychosis. 

-My notes say, 

"Plath's descriptions are beautiful and vivid - she effectively uses humor to contrast an otherwise depressing subject. Humor is juxtaposed against the background of suicide, anguish, and psychosis."

-Rating - 4.5/5

Defending Jacob - by William Landay

-Oh my god. I waited to get this book for over a month from our library, and it was finished in seriously two days (granted, one of these days was during a 10 hour drive to South Carolina, but STILL). I was gripped from the first chapter, and Landlay played with my emotions and intelligence, since I was flip flopping over whether or not I thought Jacob was guilty or innocent. 

-I don't want to say too much about this book because the beauty is how it all unfolds. I recommended it to my dad after finishing it, and he read it in a day and a half.

-Rating - 4.5/5 - Seriously, especially if you're not a big reader - try to get your hands on this book!

Other books that I read so far include: Memoirs a Geisha (rated 4/5); The Help (rated 5/5); Little Bee (rated 3/5 - I know people loved this book, maybe I need to give it another shot?); and I'm currently reading Mr. Punumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloane.

Any on this list that you agree/disagree with ratings? Or any that you recommend?

Currently listening to: The City - Madeon

June - July 2012.

Apologies for my highly creative title on this post - they can't all be winners, right?

I was terrible at blogging this past year - once work and life picked up full swing, it definitely was a huge challenge for me to balance everything.  Starting a new full-time teaching job was no joke (especially since my district did not provide a curriculum, so I had to create my own, ah!). 

My 2012 summer was extremely eventful -  it was nice to have started dating the new guy who has similar interests as me with trying out new places in the city, which comprised a good amount of my summer. There was a good mix of time with friends and time one-on-one, sharing different places with each other. 

Once I got back from Costa Rica (check it if you missed my photo filled post!) summer picked up full swing and was a complete and total whirlwind. Almost three times a week (not including weekends) I was out somewhere - barely making appearances at home, which was the best possible way to spend a summer.

Some of these pictures are difficult to look at, since Tonya and I are no longer friends, but the memories were still wonderful and I wouldn't change them for a second despite what's going on now. You can only grow and become stronger through ups and downs, which is what I choose to do.

Maslow6 Wine Bar - NYC

Boy and I came here one night for wine flights and charcuterie platters. It was amazing and definitely a must-visit if you're a wine fan! (We ended up buying 2 bottles from the wine store that is a part of the restaurant). The sommelier was brilliant and so knowlegable, and didn't push us to buy anything, which is huge. The exposed brick didn't hurt either. 

Defiant Brewery - Pearl River, NY

Defiant is one of our stand by places. It's a microbrewery, so they make all of their own beer right there. It's so unassuming - no TV's, no loud music, no credit cards accepted, in a place that looks like a warehouse and that you'd never find unless you were really looking hard for it. Ed and I are here so often now that I think we're part of the furniture - and we bring all our out of town/state friends here, so it's become a right of passage. 

The after effects of drinks that are 9% alcohol by volume. Call me, maybe?

Alpha Fusion II - NYC

Alpha Fusion is a really fun and versatile Asian fusion restaurant where we discovered for dinner one night. We decided to "suit up" for dinner, and while we were overdressed (and it poured that night), the food was really good with very fresh tasting sushi. Check the food pictures from the gallery - they make mine look entirely unappetizing (which is saying something!).

Sunset Bar & Grill - Northern New Jersey

I was recently introduced to Sunset, which offers outdoor bar seating, live music, and beer towers. Uhm, you had me at hello! This became our spot to buy towers, sit outside on the patio (next to a private airport), and play Kings (winning Kings rules for us include: having to call everyone "Lord" or "Lady" before saying their name; no pointing - otherwise the person who pointed has to sit under the table until someone else points; and my personal favorite - drinking like a T-Rex). 

Any bar where I don't have to wear makeup and can still be somewhat acceptable is fine by me! 

Drink like a T-rex: exhibit A:

 

Raines Law Room - NYC.

This is easily on my top 10 list of places to go in the city. You have to make reservations ahead of time - and then you have to actually find the place. It is pretty small - and you have to walk down a flight of stairs and ring the doorbell to gain admittance - if you're on the list. Once inside, be prepared to meet a Jay Gatsby's living room type of vibe - plush couches, wallpaper that when carefully examined reveals people in various positions of the Kama Sutra, and specialty cocktails like a Cherry Lime Rickey. To summon your server, you pull a chain doorbell on the side of the wall - check out the website to Raines above; you won't be disappointed. 

Come on - how awesome is this? 

Porching it. 

Hanging out and drinking wine on my front porch became a summer event/staple - especially when walks to The Porter House (another favorite local cigar bar where they now know us by name and drink order) followed. 

At one point, my dad came home and saw 8 corks sitting near us. He said (in horror), "You guys drank EIGHT bottles of wine and it's only 6:00?" to which we responded, "No, only three." 

My father approved of this.

There were also the various townie bars, summer parties, and floor picnics that Ed and I became so fond of (and continue to have very often). 

Jack Honey shots = my downfall this entire summer. They're just so good!

Matt's surprise party (which was a huge success - and also featured Jack Honey shots). 

What were your favorite summer activities? Any of my fellow NYC-ers heard of or been to any of these places? xox

Currently listening to: Calling (Lose My Mind) - Sebastian Ingrosso + Alesso (since this was one of my summer anthems)