Frenemies.

I've always been the type of person who hates change - I know, that's so cliche and everyone is thinking, "Uhm, doesn't everyone?" The difference is, I would go out of my way to ensure that things do not change, even if it meant that I was miserable in the midst of it. There were years when I allowed people to walk all over me, didn't stand up for myself, got into stupid situations where I knew better -- and it's nobody's fault but my own.

These past few years, I've been evolving. It's been a slow process (I mean, evolution on a whole took millions of years, right? So I think I'm a quick study) - but I'm getting there more and more. I've realized that the very nature of growing and evolving means that change is inevitable, and that it's messy, hurts like hell, and makes things very uncomfortable, but that if you're going to be happy in the end, you've got to suck it up and do what's best for you.

There are people in our lives who run their course, and then things just end. This is one of the hardest things for me - when you have to end a friendship, especially one with a considerable amount of history. This is something I've struggled with for a long time - I've always had a lot of friends, most good, but some who became these succubus type of people, who just latched on and basically drained every ounce of energy and positivity from you. 

I think almost everyone has had (or has) someone like this in their life - the person who expects you to be miserable when they are miserable, the person who ditches you when they're dating someone, but then when they're single they expect you to be around all the time, the person who stirs the pot, or preys upon your insecurities because they're feeling miserable or insecure. 

Unfortunately for me, this person was my best friend. It hurts me to write this, but I need an outlet from a third party, and this blog remains separated from those I know in my "real life" for precisely this reason.



There had been red flags for a while, but since I've been dating Ed for a while and my ex best friend's relationship was slowly deteriorating, I began to notice more and more unavoidable red flags, basically summoning me to face my fear and hatred of change. 

It started when she told me that he had lied to me, and that before he and I started dating, he had been sleeping with one of the girls who hangs out in our group - someone who I absolutely adore and had hung out with (along with him). She explained that everyone in the group knew about this, and that everyone had said they shouldn't tell me because they didn't want me to worry about it or feel insecure. It was then said that this particular girl talked shit about me all of the time, and basically bragged that I was in the dark about her and Ed having a history and me not knowing it. This was especially upsetting because it had come up  jokingly in conversation before, and I had asked him if they ever hooked up, and he had  told me flat out that it had never happened.

That feeling of everyone knowing something and you being the last to know is maybe one of the worst out there -- so after I bawled my eyes out at dinner over feeling so stupid and hurt, I called him up to confront him in person. The timing was also terrible, since he and I had just gotten back from an amazing trip to Philly together - and before we left we had hung out with this girl, dancing and drinking. It just made me feel like a complete and total idiot.

He immediately picked up, and I guess when I had the cold bitch voice (though I didn't say "We need to talk"), he knew it was pretty serious, so we met up ten minutes later where I shared what had been said and just wanted to know one way or the other what had happened.

Turns out - 0% of the story was true. The two of them never even hooked up, let alone had ever, ever slept together - and she absolutely adored me. 

It clicked even more for me when I got home that night (after calling my parents and saying that there was a chance they might need to pick me up because I was a mess), and my parents asked if I was okay. After I explained what had happened, my parents both said at the same time, "Well, we figured that's what happened - she never wants you to be happy."

This was the beginning of a pattern that continued to escalate and get more asinine with each story. Every time I met with my "best friend" she reminded me of exes who had treated me badly, and then paralleled that with my new relationship.

She told me all of the horrible things that Edwin said about me behind my back; that he was biding his time with me until something better came along, etc. These were things that someone who was supposed to be my very best friend, have my back, care about me was telling me on a regular basis. She began using things and past relationships against me to bring me down over and over again - the comments started piling up where soon, everything became, "Yeah, but you thought that _________ wouldn't cheat on you, and look how that turned out. Maybe you're just disposable," blasé, blasé along those lines.

I began to doubt myself - which is the most dangerous thing you can ever do to yourself. Once you lose faith in yourself, you become susceptible to believing into anything that is said - which in turn made me become a shell of myself.  I'm lucky that I was able to look within myself and realize that I needed to define who I was - not let the past or insecurities make me feel like I didn't deserve to be happy.

Again, once I started becoming acutely aware of all the warning signs (statements like, after she broke up with her ex boyfriend, "Well at least now we can be single together!" or "We're totally going through the same situation since both of us dated guys who don't care about us and treated us badly and would talk to other girls"), I realized how stupid I was for letting someone else - a third party who isn't even friends with Ed and isn't a real friend to me - define my relationship and turn me against myself.

There was a night when she and I went out to dinner together that ended in me drinking two bottles of wine solo (oops), sitting in a restaurant sobbing, and then having to call my parents to have them come pick me up and drive my car back home. This was definitely the breaking point for me (uhm, finally, Allison!) - on the car ride home, after my mom figured out that I do not have keys for my car and it is a push start, she said to me, "Do you see how un-fucking-healthy this is for you?"

I was blown away for two reasons - one: my mother has said that word three times in my entire life; two: it was just so obvious. Here I was letting someone else dictate my happiness - dictate the fights that Edwin and I got into (seriously - almost every single fight escalated from me becoming insecure or upset about something that was said).

It was beyond unhealthy - and it increased because when I got home that night, she sent me a text saying that I should stop being so depressed and emotional and that maybe it was time for me to suck it up and count my blessings instead of being such a spoiled brat because that was why no guy would ever want to be with me, and why she was my only true friend. 

When I finally stood up to her (in a very ladylike way that ended with my saying, "I think you should go fuck yourself"), it was like a weight was lifted. Now, when I get texts from her friends asking me why I'm so mean to her, why I'm such a bitch, etc., I let them bounce off me.

A friend is someone who is happy when you're happy - even if things in their life isn't going very well; it's someone who will cry with you, or just be a shoulder; and someone who doesn't use things you're self conscious about as a weapon or leverage.

Will we make up? Maybe, but there is some serious healing that needs to take place.

Everyone that I have spoken with since the friendship breakup has told me that I seem happier and more positive - there is only one dynamic in my life that has changed, which I feel is also very telling. I heard from at least 10 people (seriously), "We never liked her and thought she was toxic for you, but we tolerated her because she was your best friend." Someone says that once, it resonates, but not as much as when ten different people from different groups of friends tell you the same thing. I wasn't perfect, and don't pretend to be - I make as many mistakes as the next person, so please don't think I'm sitting here on my throne because there is plenty I need to still work on.

For now though, I'm happy. I feel good about myself, my relationship, my friendships, and work.  Will things with Ed and I be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. Do I know if this is something that will work out long term? No, I don't think anyone knows what the future holds. But I'm proud of myself for putting ME first - and I feel that it's a step towards more happiness in the long run.



Have you ever had to have a serious friendship breakup? How did you handle it?

Sorry for the very intense post - it's just one of those cathartic writing exercises for moi.

Currently listening to: Sweet Nothing (Extended Mix) - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch