Sunday, October 2, 2011

Relationship Advice for People Who Really Don't Want Your Advice.

A few months ago, when I met up with my old high school friends we rehashed our memories - the times we got in trouble (both with teachers and our parents), the parties, the relationships - everything.

My friend turned to me and said, "You and I were like the Oprah and Dr. Phil of our school - I don't know why everyone felt like they could come to us for advice, but they did, and my parents were always ready to kill me."

And it was true - my phone would ring at all hours with friends who needed advice on girlfriend problems, boyfriend problems, parent problems, friend problems - I don't know why I was the moral compass of good decision making, but somehow I stepped into that role (probably because my dumb ass would actually pick up the phone calls that came in at 3 a.m. when everyone else was asleep, and people knew I was a pushover).

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My friend went on to say, "I have to say, dealing with all of you and your bullshit with guys helped me learn how to deal with my relationships, and have better insight into how females think, so I guess I owe you guys something." (And that something ended up being an entire evening supply of skinny margaritas, so I wouldn't change a thing).

This was something that I appreciated too - I learned from my guy friends what drives them crazy, what habits they think makes a girl a "psycho," and where the advice that your female friends give you is completely off base.

The thing about this particular friend that I always respected was that he was the kind of person who when you went to him for advice, he never sugar-coated it - he gave it to you straight, whether or not you liked it, and he held nothing back. I was the same way - take it or leave it, I was going to give it to you the way I saw it - no gray areas, just black and white.

However.

The thing about advice is that some people simply want you to agree with them - instead of wanting your honest opinion, they just want you to parrot back to them what they've said, and agree with them no matter how clouded their thought process is. You can give your opinion until you're blue in the face, but they're so myopic about the topic that they just cannot see it any other way.

So, if you come to me for advice, but don't really want to hear my honest opinion, here is my list of pre-thought out responses, so you don't even have to ASK me - you can just reassure yourself that you're right!


The "Best Relationship Advice I Can Possibly Give You"
(Aka, The Things You Actually Want Me to Say When You Ask for My Advice):


1. You should TOTALLY text him/her again! They probably didn't get your last 5 texts - it's not crazy or ridiculous at ALL to send another message. Really, you're just being thorough and showing that you care, and maybe they didn't hear their phone go off the first few times.

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*Bonus non-crazy points for this one if you use BBM and tell the person, "I see the 'R' next to my last message, so I know you got this - what's taking you so long to respond?"
(P.S. If someone actually ever sent me the following message, I might projectile vomit - I know, I know, I'm so unromantic).

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2. It's not a bad idea at all to use those really emotionally driven song lyrics as your Facebook status - he/she won't have a clue that it's about them, and it definitely does not scream, "I'm a 14 year old girl!" at all.

Examples: Anything by Death Cab or The Postal Service (I think they're both very close to the same), 90's and early 2000's breakup songs, and extra points for anything Dashboard Confessional or Adele have ever sung.

YES - post this without a seconds thought!
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Misspelled cheesy quotes are also a huge win - put your heart and intelligence out there!
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3. If someone posts on Facebook/Twitter where they're going, it's basically an open invitation for you to also show up at the place where they are unexpectedly. Pseudo "bumping into" someone and catching them off-guard is definitely a positive.

*Bonus points if they use FourSquare or Facebook Places and you find out where they're going using that and show up there. It definitely proves that you're willing to go the extra mile.

Use it or lose it.
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4. If he/she keeps bailing on plans with you, don't even worry - they're still definitely interested! (I mean, who knew that you can get the flu twelve times in a month or have forty-seven "family commitments" each month - uncanny!).
They probably read online the importance of playing hard to get, so you should absolutely not rule that out. Besides, texting (or even better - Facebook chatting!) is totally the new face to face time.

*Bonus points if you use #3 above and have a "chance" meeting. So cute - seriously, the kind of thing that dreams/Cinderella stories are made of.

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5. When you meet your friend's hot friend and look them up on Google or Facebook, it is absolutely not a bad idea to let that slip into conversation.

For example, if on your next meeting (either by chance [see #3 above] or planned with aforementioned friend), they tell you, "I love to go running!", you can reply with, "Omg, I totally saw that on your Facebook!"

*Bonus points if you don't even know their last name, but look through all the friends of your friend that have your prospective crush's first name. Rules of the year 2011 CLEARLY state that a lack of privacy settings means that they WANT you to find them. (And apparently the new timeline will make this even easier - score!).

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6. Meeting a guy at a bar and having him buy you tequila shots TOTALLY constitutes as a date, so he will absolutely call you again after you sleep together in a tequila/blackout haze. Bravo to you for your good decision making!

Nothing says, "I want you to be my girlfriend" like copious shots of Patron.
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*Bonus points if this is a repeat pattern. Note: this bonus only applies if you are seeking a long-term relationship. If you're looking for a string of one-night stands, this bonus does not apply to you.

"Promotes Romance" is on this list, duh.
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7. Get angry about every single person of the opposite sex that writes on your boyfriend/girlfriend's Facebook wall (or Tweets them).

*Bonus points if you're not even dating. Showing that you care and are territorial before a commitment has been made is totally a turn-on.

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8. Keep playing dumb - it is the cutest thing ever when you use a baby voice, and act like you don't know how many dimes it would take to make a dollar, or that there's an AIDS epidemic in Africa.

*Bonus points if you make an intentionally dumb comment in the middle of your class to bring attention to you - smart, well-informed people are SO unattractive! The dumber you act, the more hilarious (read: appealing) everyone thinks you are.

Yes to this state of mind:
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*Bonus bonus points if you genuinely do not know anything that has ever been a New York Times subject line (ANYTHING - i.e., that there was a war in Iraq, that Barack Obama is President, that we are in a recession right now), have listed "I don't read books lolz" under your "Favorite Books" on Facebook, and aspire to have a life like any Jersey Shore cast member. Life aspirations = win.

Jealous that your life isn't like theirs? Then you're on the right track!
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9. You should always put yourself down - fishing for compliments is SO adorable, and no one is into people that are confident or believe in themselves. Absolutely every single part of you needs to be 100% perfect at all times, and you should definitely beat yourself up about it when you don't achieve perfection. Honestly, the only way you'll know the person you're interested in genuinely cares about you, is if you trick them into paying you compliments.

Add in a little more self degradation to this logic and you are golden.
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10. I cannot reiterate this enough - there is no such thing as talking about your ex too much! The more you talk about them, the more the new person in your life will be able to learn from their (many, many) mistakes!

Wrong - keep remembering/talking about them!
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I realize a lot of these are technology/Facebook related, but let's not pretend like those are not crucial things nowadays (and where so, so many creepy offenses are committed).

If you follow all these rules perfectly, I can almost guarantee that your relationship will totally model any of these (who are really the epitome of healthy, fulfilling relationships!):

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag arrives on the red carpet at the
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Do you have any friends who chronically ask for your advice, but never want to take it?
How do you deal with it?

Hope you're all having a great weekend! Work (finally) starts for me tomorrow and I couldn't be more nervous AND excited.

Currently listening to: Tron - Joker


Make sure to enter my giveaway to win digital scrapbooking software!

25 comments:

The Dainty Doll's House said...

I have friends like this for sure & family, they tend to drive me crazy sometimes, haha! They think because I am quiet at times and so laidback that its an open door for them to come and off load it all on me, most times I don't mind, just other tiems I do. This was great, really enjoyed it. Thank you for your ever sweet comment, that brightened my day ;) Happy Sunday!! xx

{av} | {long distance loving} said...

girl--you crack. me. up. I cringe to think what my life would have been like in high school if things like facebook existed {yes, I'm dating myself but I don't care}. relationship advice is tricky, but thanks for a few laughs this afternoon ;) hope you have a great Sunday! xoxo {av} | {long distance loving}

Ocean Dreams said...

Lol you have a lot of sound advice and yes, I totally agree that if you want accurate advice don't expect for the advice giver to agree with your view, lol!

Ashley said...

This post made me laugh out loud- it's SO true. Sometimes I HATE social networking when it comes to relationships, etc.... it just gets in the way and allows for way too many creepers. Congrats on work starting tomorrow, girlfriend! That's so exciting!!! Can't wait to hear how it goes :) Have a fabulous Sunday, doll xoxo

Chevon J. - La Bella Vita said...

Lol. This post is hilarous. I love the sarcasm.

Ash said...

You can only help someone so much before they have to start helping themselves. And you're dead on about some people only wanting to hear back from you what they've just said; no matter how wrong what they've said is. It's like talking to a freaking wall sometimes.

Great post, I loved the sarcasm as well haha. It seems like you've dealt with pretty much every kind of situation here a fair few times with some egghead :P.

Angela Leberte said...

I just DIED! This might be my favorite blog post of all time! Seriously EXACTLY what I needed to read at the moment as well....

xo
www.fluentbeauty.com

Jess said...

Love the e-cards! When it comes to relationships... most people have to learn the hard way, and they rarely take advice! *sigh* that's love!

la petite fashionista said...

i LOVE this post so much, so witty! we would so be real life besties haha :). i am also the constant advice giver as well, though, the majority of the time people don't take it! i'm watching "tough love" on vh1 right now (guilty pleasure) and girl's just do some dumb things in the name of guys haha.

HiFashion said...

Haha!! This is hilarious!!! Loved reading this post.

Little Ms. Fun said...

omg, I just fell in love with your blog!! This is SO true. Everyone asks for advice, but no one ever follows it. They just keep asking until they find someone who agrees with them. This was a great way to talk about the phony advice seekers. It cracked me up! I'll be following :)

Elle Sees said...

I think everyone just wants to be verified in life...to be heard.

amy b.s. said...

hilarious!

Morgane said...

Your post is so hilarious !!!
And you are so true . i am the one everybody talks about their problems too. I love it but hello i'm not a guru!
You should share your thought with a mag like cosmo or something , sure they will love!
you're brilliant my friend.

fhenny said...

this post is hilarious!!
i read all of your points and some people really do that, esp number 1,2 and 8!
really they should just read some relationship book advice or something rather than asking a friend then argue back

have a great week ahead

xoxo

Nicole Linette said...

WHY are you so COOL?!

No, really! You're amazing.

There is nothing like a hearty dose of cynicism for those who never realize what they're doing. I'm lacking in the relationship department but despite these seemingly apparent pointers, I will absolutely keep them in mind ;)

Haha, and I seemed to be a dumping point for a lot of peoples' problems too-- not that I minded! I never had a 3 AM call though, you're such an angel for going through with those. I can't wait to hear about work and I hope your week is going really well!

peace & love,
nicole.

p.s. I am hunt for the perfect macaroon (in Rouen, at least). You should direct me to the good places to find them in NYC :D

Gracey said...

Hahaha oh my gosh I loved this post! It was so funny. Like I'm pretty sure this needs to be sent to every one of my friends right away.

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

Hahaha I love when friends ask for advice just for confirmation. Sometimes it's easier to agree then state your point. I've been known to do that a few times ;)

However, I think people look to you because you are awesome and really do give great advice. You're the perfect person to talk to and do a great job of making others feel better :)

Kristin said...

AHAHAHAH, Using emo song lyrics as status updates...Classic!

Admy_Afterflats.com said...

hahaha I love it! you're funny! This post made my day! LOL


www.afterflats.com

Kimberlee said...

lmao you describe one of my (former) friends to the TEE! OMG. I couldn't be friends with her anymore, it was insane. BBM and Facebook have totally turned already insecure/obsessive girls into cyber stalkers. I can't handle it. I'm always the person whom my friends turn to advice but it definitely gets frustrating when they don't listen and definitely agree that they are mostly wanting you to tell them what they want to hear. In my experience, you just have to let them find out the hard way.

P.S. Guy friends are definitely helpful when picking a guy's brain!

Legally Brunette Kate said...

All are excellent advice. There's nothing a guy LOVES more than multiple stalker-style texts!

Hilarious!

Mariagrazia C. said...

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Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

Ok this post is hilarious and awesome! Just what I needed with my coffee!

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