Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Downside of Going Green.

In the past few years, my family has been trying to make our lifestyle greener. It's all about the little ways of changing to reduce our carbon footprint - buying local/organic, using reusable shopping bags rather than plastic, consolidating errands so that we drive around less (though we do have 3 SUV's, so take that for what it's worth), and using a clothes line during the summer months rather than run the dryer.

I've been really proud of the strides that my parents have made to help the environment - I've applauded these efforts.

However, I never knew the downside of these measures.

A few weekends ago, I had a crazy weekend, filled with time spent with friends in the city, teetering around on heels that are way too high, not sleeping until at least 4 a.m., and somehow managing to avoid a hangover even though I was not exactly responsible (sorry, mom).

When I made it back home, I intended to sleep in late the next morning - and when my head finally hit my pillow, it was one of those rare and beautiful moments in my life when I was out. My phone didn't wake me up, my cleaning lady vacuuming in the hallway didn't wake me up - I was sleeping soundly.

Audrey is not pleased to be woken up unexpectedly, and neither am I.

I was in the middle of a dream, where something was crawling on me - but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. So when I woke up and was in that in between place, where you're not asleep anymore, and yet not quite awake, I thought it was really weird that I still felt something crawling on my chest.

When I sleep - I usually sleep hard. So, there have been times where I've woken myself up and been really confused because I've laughed out loud, or because I'm crying - and I'm literally in this state of utter confusion while my body adjusts to being woken up again (so if you ever text or BBM me and I respond in a really strange way, it's probably because you just woke me up and I have no idea what's happening).

As I started waking up - I felt it again - something crawling, underneath my shirt, and then moving down my legs. Obviously I freaked out, throwing my covers off my bed, trying to figure out what the eff was crawling on me.

As I threw my covers off, with my heart beating a billion beats per minute, I saw it - something small, like smaller than my palm and black, that jumped out of my bed and ran into my bathroom, and then out into the hallway of my house.

When I tell you that I screamed so loud that it sounded like I was being murdered, it is no exaggeration. Within minutes, both my mom and my cleaning lady were standing in my room as I strung out a line of profanities so vulgar, that I'm blushing now as I think about what was said.


Upon further inspection (and setting up a ton of have-a-heart traps all throughout our house) we found out that the creature that crawled up my shirt was... a MOLE.

I was literally mole-ested.

Somehow, this little MF crawled into the laundry basket that my mom left outside, while she was trying to save the earth and was line-drying the clothes. So this thing somehow got into the laundry basket and when my laundry was put on my bed, it got inside my sheets and burrowed - because apparently that's what moles do, and that's what this thing did inside my shirt. (I just shuddered while I wrote that - I can still feel it crawling on me).

Bet you this bitch never had a mole crawl up her shirt.

The next few nights I was too scared to sleep in my own bed - I would lay there and feel things crawl on me, would hear noises in my room (which shows that I am out of my mind, because obviously there was nothing). Needless to say, the next few nights were filled with very little sleep, which meant lots of glasses wearing, and many, many trips to Starbucks in order to be a functioning human being.

Lack of sleep = messy bun and glasses en route to Starbucks (in my dad's SUV - clearly anti going green at this point).

So to all of you trying to reduce your carbon footprint - I suggest you check your laundry basket before bringing it inside to avoid panic, and moles who are apparently fans of boobs/unsuspecting sleepers.

Currently listening to: How You Like Me Now (Joker dubstep remix) - The Heavy.


Elle said...

haha! going green totally not worth it.

Love, Lolli said...

Hahahahahahha you are SO funny!!! What a surprising and scary event..but it does make for a great story!! And I LOVE that you and your entire family are going green, very admirable!!! XOXXOX

Lindsay said...

Oh my god!!! I swear I can feel it crawling on ME now! I would be scarred for life...

amy b.s. said...

oh my gosh! i would have freaked the eff out too. good to know because i never would have thought of something like that!

Olive said...

It's so good to hear from you :)! Summer is going really well, but much too fast as always. I'll be returning to college at the end of the month, but I'm actually pretty excited for it.
Allison, this post was hysterical! I loved the "mole-ested" pun, hahaha. Very entertaining story, and it does bring up a good point. Doing things naturally brings us closer to nature, which sometimes isn't always what we want. Especially when it's a rodent in your bed! That would've put me through a good freak out too--your bed is the place where you should be able to shut your worries off and just pass out, and when some pesky vermint invades that personal sanctuary, it's probably pretty difficult to relax there again. I'm sure you do a pretty thorough sheet-check before you turn off the lights nowadays :P. I do commend you and your family for making the effort to be so green though, that's awesome! It's too bad you had to be punished by nature for it though, hopefully you're safe for it happening again.
Talk to you soon!

MizzJ said...

hahahah I'm sorry, but this story is hilarious, though I would prob swear like a sailor as well if that happened to me. Too bad you didn't get a picture of the mole! They're actually kinda cute :)

simply frabulous said...

AhAhAh, great post!

▲my• said...

Oh my gosh! That's... oh my gosh.

We line dry our clothes as well, but in Arizona I doubt we'd bring in a mole. Perhaps a jackrabbit? Or a rattlesnake? Oh, my gosh... I'm going to be checking my basket for snake from now on.

Yikes! I can only imagine waking up to that. I would definitely freak out.

Danielle V. said...

Oh my goodness, I literally laughed out loud when I read "I was literally mole-ested."

My goodness, what a story to be able to tell! Ah, I'm sorry it happened though :P


dani said...

Oh. My. Word.

Meg {henninglove} said...

ugh! totally would not enjoy that either, hearing your story makes me not want to go green sorry but i will keep driving my prius

Ash said...

Hahahha I laughed a few times throughout this rather excellent post. Namely at the word 'mole-ested' and the line 'Bet you this bitch never had a mole crawl up her shirt'. Golden.

I still see you as a perfect little lady, even though in your emails you allude to the fact that you thoroughly enjoy a good cussing-out. I found this hard to believe, but after that 'bitch' line and the fact that you 'strung out a line of profanities so vulgar', I'm starting to see you in a new light... :P.

Also, I found that you saying(/typing) the word 'boob' was rather... erotic..:P haha.

Also, the line ‘this little MF”… priceless.

HiFashion said...

Ahhh, I would have screamed the house down as well!! I once saw a mouse in my room and didn't sleep for weeks. But a MOLE? That's so weird.
Haha, we do what we can with the environment as well (with 3 cars). It's ironic that we take a huge car to the local recycling centre (which we could easily walk to).

Sabrina said...

I love haudrey hepburn like actress!

Maria Alyssa said...

Sorry but your story really made me laugh out loud (no exaggeration). I tried to live greener too but so far I'm only successful in exchanging books and newspaper to e-books and blogs and also using tote bags while shopping. When it comes to laundry, I just sent my clothes to a laundry shop and they do all the cleaning and drying then deliver it in my condo.

Kristin said...

Dude...I'm shuddering! Ahhhhhhh!

tarynzhang said...

"we drive around less (though we do have 3 SUV's, so take that for what it's worth) .... a mole .. I was literally mole-ested."

HAHAHA. You're hilarious. I love your sense of humor and writing style! Seriously. You manage to keep me reading every single word of your posts, even when I'm pressed for time and shouldn't be blogging! Love it!

Legally Brunette Kate said...

hahahaha...thank you for my laugh for the day!

Nicole Linette said...

Allison I'm sooo sorry how uncomfortable and terrifying, but your story just made my night. Cheers to you, sista!

♥, nicole.

[ Ah, and that's probably why my mom refuses to hang clothes outside :P

Sara Louise said...

I'm still laughing at you being mole-ested! I think I'll be chuckling about that all day! too funny x

Elisa said...

I thought you were going to say it was something like a spider, (we have lots of those in our house,eeekkk!) but to be mole-ested! uggghhhh. I would be scared too!

thanks for the ideas about my photos. I really want to frame some, even enlarge them so they can resemble paintings, that will be very cool in our next home. (which will occur in the next few months)

have a wonderful weekend!


Mi piace!!!!!!!!complimenti

Cait said...

hahah love this post hun and adore your blog by the way xo

Gracey said...

Hahaha mole-ested. I laughed. Moles are cute but I can imagine having a huge wtf moment if one was crawling on your bed haha. I'm trying to go green too and omg it's hard haha.

Lee Oliveira said...

Oh my.. actually EWWW.. i would freak out too
lee x

Couture Carrie said...

Oh you poor darling!
But such a funny story, really!


rachael said...

And who said going green was easy? I'm definitely going to check my laundry next time I bring it in for any rodents or creepy crawlies!
Rachael from The Vancouver Cliché

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

OMG! OK the mole-ested line is priceless and I don't mean to laugh but OMG! I don't think I've ever even seen a mole before. That's scary and crazy. I would have shit myself!!

Syed said...

Duuuuuude, mole-ested. We don't actually own a dryer, so we always use a washing line, or the radiators in Winter to dry our clothes. We always have to whip the clothes before we bring them in, otherwise you usually end up with flies and all sorts of insects tagging along for the ride!

Audrey Allure said...

Oh my! I would be too freaked out to sleep in the same bed again unless all my sheets were changed & inspected thoroughly haha. I've had bees & insects crawl onto clothes or in the laundry basket & since then I insist my clothes be put in the dryer.

Kimberlee said...

OMG that is my nightmare!!!!! I try going green with green garbage bags and toxin free cleaners but after a mouse problem I said screw it and bought Glad bags with Febreeze to get rid of the smell and sprayed Lysol everywhere. It is definitely hard going green, just do what you can.

Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

Ahhh that is so creepy! I would have freaked out too!!!

Anait said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! I am CRACKING UP right now. the other day, I was lying in bed and I felt something crawling on wasn't a mole, but a HUGE spider. I'm not sure which is worse. But I totally feel you because I didn't sleep for the next few nights.

Style Diary Of A Fashion Fanatic said...

Love this post!!!! :-)
Great photos!!!!
Hope you're having a fabulous weekend!!!
I put up a couple new blog entries... :-)