Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Out of Touch With Myself.

So, when I first started this blog, I always assumed I'd be kind of superficial with it... blog about fashion, or art, or interior design....letting in little glimpses of my life without really diving in and sharing anything too personal. This lasted like, five seconds, and I'm really glad that I didn't go about doing things on a more superficial basis. By opening up, I've gotten to "know" a lot of you, and I do consider a number of you to be friends, which I am so fortunate to have!

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I kind of consider my blog to be somewhat of a diary - I like the idea of being completely open and honest with people who I don't interact with every day face to face, because it seems like there is just less of a chance of judgment, or rejection, or all those other icky things that scare me and hold me back from opening up.

So lately, I've been feeling this gray cloud just looming over me... I mean, I'm sure that happens to everyone, where things aren't going so well - everyone has bad days, I know. But I've been having more of a bad week, maybe a little over that. And the worst part is, that I can't really pinpoint exactly what is going on to make me feel that way. And, to make matters even worse, I feel like I've been taking out that frustration on J, even though he hasn't been doing anything wrong at ALL to make me feel this way.

I've never really been that needy girl - the one who constantly needs reassurance, or doubts herself all the time, or is in this bitchy, horrible mood, but I just can't seem to shake it. Every morning I wake up and I'm like, "Okay, I'm definitely going to feel better and more like myself today" - you know, keep that positive attitude. But then something will happen... I'll get an email from my mom where she'll subtly drop in that she is just SHOCKED J hasn't broken up with me yet... or find out that something for student teaching is past due and it's screwing up my placement... or get an email from my advisor saying that it's about that time where I need to make my resume and send it out, because really, do I want to be living on the streets? (At this point, I'm ready to just say yes).

I think I'm scared that like, this is it. This is the last year where I have this security blanket of school - where I have my friends, my comfortable lifestyle, my parents still paying for big expenses, like my tuition. But after this - I'm on my own. And the thought of that is liberating, yeah, but it is also really scary to me. I don't feel like I'm old enough to have to be worrying about making rent payments, or finding a job that pays a decent amount, or going and looking at dealerships to lease a car... it is just beyond overwhelming to me, especially since it's all just happening so soon after graduation. I know it should be an exciting time...and to an extent it is...

I'm going to be thrilled to get out of my house, and see if I can make it, and where life is going to lead me.... but then there are just those nagging thoughts like, "What if I never make enough money to live comfortably?"..."What if I have to move to the middle of nowhere to get a job?" I like where I live...I like being near the city. .... "What if I have to panhandle on the side of the street, or sell my body to make ends meet?" I don't think I'm the type of girl who could be a stripper. I'm just not curvy enough. And I have no rhythm. And I don't know how to swing on a pole. Ugh. So that is just one of the stresses I've been feeling lately...(the future...not the lack of pole swinging abilities).

And piled on top of that, things at home are just a mess. A huge mess. This summer had its ups, but there were mostly downs...downs that I feel have caused permanent destruction with my relationship with my parents and brother. It sucks to feel like there is a 99% possibility that I will never be good enough in their eyes. Especially when I'm the good one, you know? My mom seems to get off on masking her insecurities by putting me down - hence, all her comments about J being MUCH too good for me, and "Really now Al, what does the boy see in you?".... "I am just shocked he hasn't realized he can do better yet! He's actually a good, sweet boy!" (As opposed to me, Satan in the flesh, obv).

I feel like a mom should be telling me how beautiful I am, even when I have days when I look like I went through the garbage disposal and was spit back up.... or sit on my bed with me and excitedly ask me about my dates... or I don't know... just be supportive. I'm so jealous of all of you who have these kick ass relationships with your moms...I guess I've just never had that, but have always wanted it. Sometimes these things are just not within our controls, and I guess I just have to view it as a learning opportunity...because if and when I have kids, I will never be cold and reserved. And I don't say that for pity, but it just contributes to the hurt I've been feeling lately... and a good percentage of my friends (including J, who has an amazing relationship with his mom), would usually turn to their moms during times when you just need a shoulder, so it feels a little lonely not having that support system.

I've been taking out a bit of my frustrating on J - not in like a yelling way, but I feel like I've become un-fun...very mopey, and just not myself. He has told me that it's okay, I've been feeling sick and overwhelmed and he understands, but it's frustrating for me...probably because I just can't pinpoint my emotions exactly and I HATE that!

For now, I'm just trying to unburden myself of all the bullshit. Take it as it comes, and try not to worry. I'm trying to figure myself out...get out of my head and trying to stop over analyzing. It's beyond exhausting. This new outlook is definitely not easy, and sometimes things aren't fair or aren't right, but I guess that all comes with the territory of growing up. The people who love you will stick with you, even when you're horrible, even when you're crying and moping around, even when you're not sure what is going on with you.... then there are ones who will teach you that you never, ever want to live a life like theirs. And I think both types of people you encounter will impact your life, sometimes for nothing more than to serve as an example of what you do not want to be, but that's okay.

Thank you all for just bearing with me - I know this post is just terrible and not at all the usual for me (hopefully). Sometimes a girl just has to get it all off her chest, you know? I apologize for the long post where all I did was bitch - I still love my life, I do. And I love all of you, so thank you for sticking it out with me... all of you really do mean so much!

Currently listening to: Solomon Burke - Don't Give Up on Me (How old am I, 56? But seriously, it's fitting).

20 comments:

twenty.seven.cents said...

Ok. First of all I can totally understand ALL of the worries you have about school. It's natural to be worried about something that you aren't sure of. But I want to stress one thing... J seems to be completely enamored by you, even if you haven't been yourself lately, and HE IS STILL THERE. Don't be scared to rely on him if need be. That's what relationships are about, giving and taking when you need it. Sure, it's about having fun and hanging out and enjoying each other's company, but it's also about helping each other as well.
The best thing I can say is just take one thing at a time, and perhaps take a break from your mother for a while. She sounds like a really unhappy person [I'm sorry if this offends you, but she sounds incredibly frustrating] and taking out her frustrations on you, who has everything ahead of her, seems to be her means of releaving that. Which isn't fair.
Anyway, I hope this gets better. :)
One thing at a time. xo.

Issa said...

Hey, Allison... I hope you find peace of mind soon. =) You seem like a sweet girl and you deserve more than what you're getting. Hang in there! Remember, sometimes things take a turn for the very worst before they start getting better. Just keep aiming for the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow!

HiFashion said...

Thanks for sharing something so personal with all of us: I know it coulsn't have been easy. And from experience, I do know that things always turn out for the best, even if it doesn't look that way now. Both my parents are really judgemental and I also feel that I'll never be good enough.
But you really are beautiful and seem to be really intelligent, so ithing will work out for you.

Mrs. W said...

girl, it's like you're reading my mail! Except you have a way at expressing yourself frustrations that I do not, which makes me more frustrated bc no one ever knows why I'm in 'fog' sometimes. My mother and I have a similar relationship. I've never been super close to anyone in my immediate family and I've always been jealous of my friends. I definitely know how you feel!

And speaking from recent experience, the whole 'moving out, growing up, paying rent..etc' is not half bad and you WILL make it. I promise the feeling of accomplishment on the other side far outweighs the initial fear. Things will fall together. Promise you won't have to be a stripper! ; ) haha!

Have a great day! : D

jeannie said...

Blogs are all about venting and writing about how you feel!! Feel free to get anything off your chest. We are all here for you lady! Every day is not going to be fabulous. There are always ups and downs.

Carol said...

You ARE wonderful! I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now, but just keep holding your head up high, stay true to yourself and remember that this too shall pass. Let me know if you need anything!!!

New England Girl said...

Aw, baby girl... I am SO sad to hear you're feeling this way and going through all of the stresses, heartaches and confusion that you're facing. We are ALL here to listen to whatever you need to say and we will always, always be here to support you.
I am sorry, too, to hear about your relationship with your Mom. I know where you're coming from, as I share the same sort of relationship with both of my parents. I've often found myself crying in frustration from feeling, as you do, that I'll never be good enough or accomplish enough to satisfy them. I think you're right on track with looking at it all as a life lesson and a good situation to pull positive lessons from. It gives you a good base and mirror to see what you do not want to be, and what sort of relationships you don't want to involve yourself in.
Your mom - and whoeever else ever doubts you or puts you down - has NO idea what kind of truly beautiful, intelligent and warm person you are. You deserve the best of everything in life, nothing less, and don't ever let anyone tell you that. J is a lucky man to be with you, even throughout these moods, and I'm glad he's smart enough to realize that and try to help you through all of this.

Hang in there. And if you ever need anyone to vent, you know my email! I'm always here for you, beautiful. :)
xoxoxo.

jeannie said...

hey, in response to your question about Dr. Brandt, I've only been using it for a little bit, but it feels like it's helping. I am usually so prone to getting sick, but I haven't been sick yet. It could be all in my head though, and I'm trying to justify spending the money! hehe.

Hanako66 said...

you'll be okay:)

first of all, you are young and if you need to stay with your parents a little longer, it will be fine and beyond socially acceptable. Don't stress yourself out.

What you and J have can make it through this rough patch, you seem really solid.

I know how you feel and it will all be fine:)

Pol said...

you dont know me, but i like reading your blog :)
personally, im having a terrible week as well and i agree we all have bad days :) unfortunately!
i think everyone feels a little, i suppose, lost, at some point in their life and a blog is a great place when it seems like no one can relate to your problems! because theres always going to be someone else out there who is feeling exactly the same way :) hopefully the rest of your week turns out better for you! x

Keith said...

Hey Allison. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. We all go through these times. I've been going through them a lot myself lately. I think there are certain times in our lives that they especially pop up, such as when one is finishing up college. I'm turning 40 in around a year so I've been thinking about what I've done and not done in my life. You are a wonderful young woman. J is lucky to have you. You will make it. You just need to have confidence in yourself. Don't let anybody bring you down. My parents were good about doing that. Remember who you are and what your worth is. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers. Have a great weekend. Try to have some fun and not worry so much about the future.

Kristin said...

Oh Allison. I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you deserve, but don't doubt yourself. I'm certain you will not have to resort to stripping. Ah ha. Pull from that strength I know is inside of you!

Erika said...

It's funny, I'm in my last year of college as well, and I find myself plagued with the same thoughts. It's scary, knowing that we'll be expected to survive and thrive in just a few short months, as opposed to hiding under the security blanket that is University. I think we just have to step back and reflect on what we want in life, and what we have to do to get there. I refuse for either of us to have to resort to stripping. We are educated young women who will make it without taking our clothes off for strangers! :)

A stroll through Central Park and cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery - I get chills just thinking about it. Oui, I would absolutely adore some recommendations for NYC! :)

Sharon Mayhew said...

Allison,
I'm 43, a wife, a mom and a writer. You expressed yourself beautifully. Change is hard. Student teaching is hard. You are trying to find where you fit. If you are looking for a "comfortable" lifestyle, teaching isn't going to be the greatest, but if you want to make a difference it's the way to go. I "retired" from teaching after 17 years. I have students that still keep in touch with me. I know I made a difference in their lives. (Facebook is great for keeping in touch with former students.)

Okay, the Mom thing...I'e had lots of those issues myself. You have to figure out what you want from the relationship. If you feel like the relationship is messed up, send your Mom a card. My Mom sent me one all it said was "I miss you." Mom's love their kids, even if you are very different. I know that for sure.

J.- My husband and I met when I was 17. We married at 20. Still happy after 43 years. I've been an emotional mess many times and he's still here. He's also helped me through a lot of those issues.

Take care...You are starting a new part of your life and it's scary. Not just for you, but you are showing your family you are leaving the "nest" and your boyfriend that you are about to enter the real world. Change is always scary.

Best wishes...

Kicking couture said...

Oh hun!

its ok to be scared, the future scares us all! Im crapping myself about my a levels which practically determine my future.

J sounds amazing, and honestly he obviously adores you. Maybe your moms taking her insecurites out on you, because you seem like an amazing person.

Life isnt just what you make it, it will all work out in the end hun.

pop me an email if u feel like talking

xxx

Eddie said...

Oh Allison love, where do I begin? Everything you spoke of makes perfect sense and is completely normal at the stage you're in right now. There are so many questions to ask and so many thoughts to ponder when you're on the brink of graduation and heading out full-speed ahead into the unpredictable world...

As far as your mom, she really should be encouraging and most of all, she should embrace every ounce of who you are. Just reading your post had me teary-eyed and your expression smacked me directly in the center of my heart. Mom's occasionally have silly ways of showing their love for their child, but believe it or not, having a long talk with her can bring certain things to her attention. Sometimes they just don't know any better or simply aren't aware that their words can pierce...

You and J will be just fine. There are always times in a relationship where you'll be tested to see how strong the foundation of your couple-hood is. J is still around and despite your downs, I'm sure you guys respect one another enough to get things right as rain again...

If you ever need me for anything my darling... just give me a holler. You are an amazing woman Allison. Simple people go through life without the contemplation of anything; be glad you're anything but simple.

Love you more than cheez-whiz on crackers...

Besitos para siempre...

OceanDreams said...

Hey lady, thanks for stopping by my blog. I am sorry about everything that has been happening and I hope it gets better. It might be better to separate yourself from your family and just get a job that will help you provide for yourself so you can gain a new perspective. Being on your own is scary but so rewarding once you take that step. Plus you have an amazing boyfriend as a support system and being out on your own will help you become the woman you yearn to be - one full of strength and conviction. Don't settle for anything less that who you are, a woman who has so much to offer. Enjoy your Sunday love! Thanks for being vulnerable on our blog world. XO!

OceanDreams said...

P.S. If you are going to college {are you graduating from HS or college?}, assuming HS you can always get a part time job and go to school...wish you well sweetie! Thanks for entering into my chocolate giveaway, glad you love gummies like I do, yum! :)

Jocelyn said...

Everyone needs a "me" post once in a while. I feel that one is coming my waay soon... I hope that I am wrong about that, but we shall see! I am sorry about your mom. That is one relationship that I will never understand... mom and daughter is so complicated! My mom has been really annoying and condescending lately so I totally understand your frustration there!

And about J- that's rough. But he seems like he's understanding, just stick it out, and hopefully school will lighten out asap! It's the storm before the calm! I know you can stick it out! You know what's crazy? I think that I was one of the first people reading your blog, and I am so proud of you because you have so many followers and supporters! You are lucky to have such a blog family. And I am happy to be included in such a fine group of folks


Good luck! Hope this week is better!

-Joce :)

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