So, when I first started this blog, I always assumed I'd be kind of superficial with it... blog about fashion, or art, or interior design....letting in little glimpses of my life without really diving in and sharing anything too personal. This lasted like, five seconds, and I'm really glad that I didn't go about doing things on a more superficial basis. By opening up, I've gotten to "know" a lot of you, and I do consider a number of you to be friends, which I am so fortunate to have!
I kind of consider my blog to be somewhat of a diary - I like the idea of being completely open and honest with people who I don't interact with every day face to face, because it seems like there is just less of a chance of judgment, or rejection, or all those other icky things that scare me and hold me back from opening up.
So lately, I've been feeling this gray cloud just looming over me... I mean, I'm sure that happens to everyone, where things aren't going so well - everyone has bad days, I know. But I've been having more of a bad week, maybe a little over that. And the worst part is, that I can't really pinpoint exactly what is going on to make me feel that way. And, to make matters even worse, I feel like I've been taking out that frustration on J, even though he hasn't been doing anything wrong at ALL to make me feel this way.
I've never really been that needy girl - the one who constantly needs reassurance, or doubts herself all the time, or is in this bitchy, horrible mood, but I just can't seem to shake it. Every morning I wake up and I'm like, "Okay, I'm definitely going to feel better and more like myself today" - you know, keep that positive attitude. But then something will happen... I'll get an email from my mom where she'll subtly drop in that she is just SHOCKED J hasn't broken up with me yet... or find out that something for student teaching is past due and it's screwing up my placement... or get an email from my advisor saying that it's about that time where I need to make my resume and send it out, because really, do I want to be living on the streets? (At this point, I'm ready to just say yes).
I think I'm scared that like, this is it. This is the last year where I have this security blanket of school - where I have my friends, my comfortable lifestyle, my parents still paying for big expenses, like my tuition. But after this - I'm on my own. And the thought of that is liberating, yeah, but it is also really scary to me. I don't feel like I'm old enough to have to be worrying about making rent payments, or finding a job that pays a decent amount, or going and looking at dealerships to lease a car... it is just beyond overwhelming to me, especially since it's all just happening so soon after graduation. I know it should be an exciting time...and to an extent it is...
I'm going to be thrilled to get out of my house, and see if I can make it, and where life is going to lead me.... but then there are just those nagging thoughts like, "What if I never make enough money to live comfortably?"..."What if I have to move to the middle of nowhere to get a job?" I like where I live...I like being near the city. .... "What if I have to panhandle on the side of the street, or sell my body to make ends meet?" I don't think I'm the type of girl who could be a stripper. I'm just not curvy enough. And I have no rhythm. And I don't know how to swing on a pole. Ugh. So that is just one of the stresses I've been feeling lately...(the future...not the lack of pole swinging abilities).
And piled on top of that, things at home are just a mess. A huge mess. This summer had its ups, but there were mostly downs...downs that I feel have caused permanent destruction with my relationship with my parents and brother. It sucks to feel like there is a 99% possibility that I will never be good enough in their eyes. Especially when I'm the good one, you know? My mom seems to get off on masking her insecurities by putting me down - hence, all her comments about J being MUCH too good for me, and "Really now Al, what does the boy see in you?".... "I am just shocked he hasn't realized he can do better yet! He's actually a good, sweet boy!" (As opposed to me, Satan in the flesh, obv).
I feel like a mom should be telling me how beautiful I am, even when I have days when I look like I went through the garbage disposal and was spit back up.... or sit on my bed with me and excitedly ask me about my dates... or I don't know... just be supportive. I'm so jealous of all of you who have these kick ass relationships with your moms...I guess I've just never had that, but have always wanted it. Sometimes these things are just not within our controls, and I guess I just have to view it as a learning opportunity...because if and when I have kids, I will never be cold and reserved. And I don't say that for pity, but it just contributes to the hurt I've been feeling lately... and a good percentage of my friends (including J, who has an amazing relationship with his mom), would usually turn to their moms during times when you just need a shoulder, so it feels a little lonely not having that support system.
I've been taking out a bit of my frustrating on J - not in like a yelling way, but I feel like I've become un-fun...very mopey, and just not myself. He has told me that it's okay, I've been feeling sick and overwhelmed and he understands, but it's frustrating for me...probably because I just can't pinpoint my emotions exactly and I HATE that!
For now, I'm just trying to unburden myself of all the bullshit. Take it as it comes, and try not to worry. I'm trying to figure myself out...get out of my head and trying to stop over analyzing. It's beyond exhausting. This new outlook is definitely not easy, and sometimes things aren't fair or aren't right, but I guess that all comes with the territory of growing up. The people who love you will stick with you, even when you're horrible, even when you're crying and moping around, even when you're not sure what is going on with you.... then there are ones who will teach you that you never, ever want to live a life like theirs. And I think both types of people you encounter will impact your life, sometimes for nothing more than to serve as an example of what you do not want to be, but that's okay.
Thank you all for just bearing with me - I know this post is just terrible and not at all the usual for me (hopefully). Sometimes a girl just has to get it all off her chest, you know? I apologize for the long post where all I did was bitch - I still love my life, I do. And I love all of you, so thank you for sticking it out with me... all of you really do mean so much!
Currently listening to: Solomon Burke - Don't Give Up on Me (How old am I, 56? But seriously, it's fitting).