This past weekend J and I were both invited to our friend AJ's 21st birthday celebration. He turned the basement of his beautiful home in Connecticut into a club - complete with neon paint, strobe lights, a fog machine, techno and trance music that lasted until 4:30 a.m., and more glowsticks than I could count.
AJ invited over 300 people to his party - his desire for a massive party that everyone around Connecticut posted pictures from on Facebook was more important to him than inviting non shady people. J and I mentioned to each other that we did not think his parents had any idea the massive amount of people who were invited.
Anyway, since AJ told us that the theme was 'rave' and that we should dress accordingly, J and I went to the mall, trolling for obnoxious neon clothing at American Apparel, or anything that would make us fit in and glow under the black lights. J had the hardest time finding something that would not scream 'I'm a massive douchebag,' so we decided that the next day we would buy a solid white tshirt, and then splatter paint it with neon fabric paint (a brilliant and creative idea by moi, thank you very much ;)
So, we get decked out in our bright, bright outfits, and head up to CT for the party. Both of us were excited to see what AJ was going to wear....he usually goes all out for things like this. When we got there, he was wearing a v-neck gray shirt and black jeans. As I'm standing there in my highlighter yellow striped shirt and neon headbands woven around my head, I felt unbelievably ridiculous. I looked at J, and we just shrugged it off uncomfortably, but assuming as the night went on, more people would trickle in dressed in brights.
Negative. We were the only ones dressed ridiculously. On the bright side, we did glow in the dark.
J and I with the birthday boy:
Honest, I wasn't stoned at all, contrary to this picture ;)
As the party trickled on and more people came through, J and I began notice how out of hand things were getting. I'm no fool - I've been to house parties, I know that it's obvious that something is going to get broken, someone is going to have sex somewhere, and that the fun of the party will evaporate for the host by about 11 p.m. when people they don't know start showing up.
Maybe because I'm 21 and I can go out to bars and lounges now, I guess that I forgot that supplying immature (only immature, I know it's not the case for all) high schoolers with alcohol is the recipe for a complete and total disaster. Kids were vomitting everywhere, lines were being snorted in his bathroom (where couples seemed to flock to get it on), and then the highlight of the evening occured with a little something I like to call 'the one when the girl got her Dolce and Gabbana purse stolen with the cash from her paycheck she had just gotten inside of it.'
So, here are my tips for being a polite party guest. You'd think it would go without saying, but apparently not.
1. Keep your clothes on.
This is not Cancun, please phone Joe Francis if this is something you are interested in. When you do this, yes, you may get guys to pay attention to you, but trust me, no one begins the story, 'I met my husband after I pulled out my boobs at this party when I was 16..'
2. If you really feel the need to drink until you're about to throw up (which really, why? You can get drunk without being sloppy!), make sure you are in close proximity to a bathroom, trash can, something.
It is not okay to projectile vomit all over the walls of someone's house, or another human being. Ever.
3. If a girl is sitting somewhere with her boyfriend, holding his hand (or a boy with his girlfriend), it is never appropriate to approach that person and ask them if they're interested in a quickie in the bathroom. Never, ever.
It is also not okay when that boyfriend/girlfriend you're scamming on rejects you, to then pull down your dress exposing your disgusting saggy boobs, as if that's going to change their mind. Skank.
4. Burning holes in someone's patio furniture with your cigarettes is completely in bad taste. Apparently this is not common knowledge.
5. An amendment to #4. Destruction of someone's property is really not something you should strive for. I know, how could I say such a terrible thing and ruin everyone's fun? Well, it's just because I'm an awful person looking to upset people. I see fun happening, and I try and ruin it as quickly as possible. How dare I, really.
6a. Taking your empty beer bottles, walking up the street to your car and flinging them at other people's cars, while it may help you practice your crazy baseball skills, is probably not the best way to dispose of your bottles. May I suggest recycling? It's good for the earth, so karma is on your side.
6b. Taking those beer bottles, not recycling them, and flinging them on the lawns of neighbors of the host of the party is also not a very good idea. Once again, bad karma, plus runs the risk of the cops being called, and honestly, you're just too drunk to run very fast at this point.
7. If you really feel like you can't wait an hour before having sex with the inapproprite guy/girl you just met a party, resist from flinging the condom on the wall after you're done. As much as I know you're just trying to add a little artwork to the walls, I'm just guessing that the host won't be too thrilled to clean it up the next morning.
I do not want to even go into what happened that explains how I came up with these rules, but there is a very legit reason behind each and every one, so use your imagination, but even that might not cut it! ; )
J and I stayed over AJ's that night (we refused to use the bathroom in the basement. See rule #7 for explanation), and helped him clean up the loads of cigarette butts, beer cans/bottles (EVERYWHERE), vomit, more vomit, spit on the patio cushions, etc, etc, etc. When we finally went to bed at 5:30 a.m., we hadn't even made a dent in everything that needed to be cleaned (i.e. the bathroom, which I was not touching!).
My only advice? Think carefully about who you invite to your next house party...quantity does not equal quality. ; )
P.S. I ended up buying a journal, and just passed it on to J tonight, since he leaves for his job tomorrow morning. I'll keep you all updated - thanks for your sweet words and encouragement!
Currently listening to: LMFAO - I'm In Miami Bitch. (Can't get this song out of my head!).