Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Diving Deep.

I hope you all aren't sick and tired of hearing things about me yet - Lord knows I'm not the most interesting person in the world! But, the lovely and adorable Nicole at Loquaciousness tagged me in this fun post, which makes me get deep :) Her answers were so fabulous I only hope I can answer as truthfully and with as much insight!

What have you been thinking about lately?

1. Why does it appear to be impossible for my brother to wear a shirt while he's at home, even when he's not out by the pool?

2. How am I going to function at school with absolutely no money since I have worked like, maybe 5 hours this whole summer?

3. When will I have time to shop for furniture for my apartment?

4. Do they have those in my size?

5. Why will none of my friends go see Harry Potter with me?

6. Do I have the guts to go see Harry Potter all by myself? [no]

7. What is something different and fun I can get/make J for our anniversary (and his homecoming) on Saturday?

What has been on your mind?

I've been missing J a lot. I don't know how people can do actual long distance relationships. My friend S and his girlfriend were living in Jersey and California - and they were together for 4 years! It's literally been a month, and I'm missing him so much. Does this make me unbelievably pathetic? I feel like it does, but I just can't help it.
To all of you in long distance relationships, more power to you, seriously. I have a huge deal of respect for you!

I've also been just thinking about the future - it's my senior year of college, so it's all rapidly coming to a close and I still feel like I'm too young to be thinking about this all. I wonder which friends I'll keep in touch with and which will fall by the wayside, what I'm actually going to do/where I'm going to live. All I want deep down is to feel an infinite amount of happiness and love :)

I've also been wondering if I let the people I love in my life know how I feel enough. Life is just so short, and can be completely unexpected. I want everyone who means something in my life to know how I feel, every day.
(This is probably brought on due to the fact that last Tuesday, J and I drove 3 hours to the funeral of the father of a friend of ours from school. Funerals always make me think that way, which I don't necessarily believe is wrong).

What are you excited about at the moment?

I'm about to go for a run! I've finally just about gotten my stride back and it feels incredible.

I'm also excited because J is finally done his internship in a less than (though this is a double edged sword because he's unbelievably stressed and overwhelmed for the time being).

And, I'm really looking forward to going back to school. Not for the classes and unreal workload of my 21 credit schedule, but to spend time with my friends and settle into my apartment! :)

Oh, and today J texted me and said to be looking out for the mail. Ah, so exciting! Though I have a love/hate relationship with the anticipation of any surprise.

When was the last time you made a difference to somebody?

Honestly, I don't know. I would like to think that I try to do things for people every day, even subtle little things, but I just don't know. I guess you never do, which is why it is so important to be a genuinely good person, and put others above yourself.

I did just start volunteering at a food pantry two weeks ago, so that is the most concrete way I can think that I actually helped someone.

And, this is so trivial, but today my mom looked sad, and I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I'd like to think that made her feel better, but I'll probably never know (and that's okay!).

Who are you really happy for at the moment?

My friends, who are all currently at the beach, hopefully having the time of their lives! (Unfortunately I couldn't go because my Poppy is having surgery and I wanted to be home with mi familia).

When was the last time you felt inspired?

Last night, as I sat in my bed reading Pablo Neruda's poetry from one of his books I hadn't touched in months. It just filled me with so much happiness.

Also, the new issue of W magazine arrived last week, which always seems to offer a great deal of lust over the beautiful clothing and inspiration.

Hedi Slimane's photo diary also brings me immense inspiration whenever I'm in a rut! :)

AND, any time that I'm outside and just surrounded by nature, I can't help but be in awe of it. I try to hike as much as possible, just so I can completely immerse myself in nature in any form.

Oh, and lastly, I feel inspired by cheesy things. When J and I had our picnic in Central Park, we passed so many elderly couples, walking hand in hand, so obviously still enamored with one another. Things like that just give me hope that love really does exist, and that it can be forever. It's a nice reminder! :)

If you could be in your dream place at the moment, what would you be doing?

My dream place would be a secluded (not in a creepy way) open field, completely surrounded by trees and wildflowers and maybe a little lake or pond on a beautiful sunny day, with a warm breeze. I would just lay out letting the sun beat down on my face, and taking in the beautiful surroundings. There would be a picnic basket filled with my favorite picnic-y foods, that I would take great pleasure in devouring. For some period of time, I would probably pick wildflowers and weave them into one of those flower crowns I used to make when I was little (I guess I was always a little flower child). I would lay back on the blanket in "the nook" with J, probably falling asleep in the process. As the night wore on, we would spend time in silence, laying side by side and hand in hand, just staring up at the stars.
(This is actually quite reminiscent of how we spent our first date - stargazing in an open field by school, so it's probably a bit nostalgic for me!).

If someone was to describe your personality, what would they say?

I really think it would depend on the person. It takes me a bit to warm up to people - I don't instantly trust everyone, and feel that I'm pretty good at reading people, which can make trust harder sometimes. I can be a bit shy and reserved, which some say makes me come across and snobby or bitchy.

I asked one of my roommates and best friends how she would describe me, and she answered back with this in a Facebook message (this is completelyyy copy and pasted).
"When I first met you, I thought you were so snobby. A dumb little Jersey slut (just kidding about you being a slut but not about you being dumb ;)
Once I got to know you which was really soon i saw that you are the warmest, sweetest person I have ever met. You're also seriously one of the funniest people ive ever met in my life! I swear you make me laugh like none other. Your beautiful inside and out and your loyalty shines through you. Sometimes you push yourself too hard though or tackle too many things to meet your goals so you can get stressed out easily.
I like that you don't pretend everything is okay when its clearly not - what you see is what you get with you! Your heart is also just so big and it really amazes me how dedicated you are to ehlping the homeless and matters of social justice. I really respect you for it! You also ALWAYS stand your ground on certain moral issues and I like that you'd never sell yourself or your values short no matter what."

Now, I obviously do not know if all of that is true, and maybe she is just trying to make me happy...I guess we'll just never know :) I'd like if all those things are true though!
Minus the slut part though, I'm not a big fan of that ;)

What are you most proud of?

Cue me being sentimental and emotional...

I'm really most proud of myself for getting help with my eating disorders, and acknowledging that I had a problem that needed help. A lot of times when people are trapped in an addictive behavior, it is hard to admit that they need help (which is understandable - it's scary!). I've worked hard, and continue working hard every day not to let this behavior be a part of my life any longer. While I am tempted with it every single day, I haven't slid back in over four years.

I also struggled with self worth for a while - I had about 0% self confidence, which showed in my behavior and attitude towards myself. Over the years, I have grown to absolutely love myself and know that I deserve the best :) (And so do ALL of you!). I'm proud of the way I've grown and feel comfortable in my own skin.

What has been tempting you lately?

Eating a lot of crap. I don't know why my mom keeps buying ice cream, chips, and soda, but it seems to just be piling up in the pantry and tempting me every which way! I've found that I can indulge in food like that, but I have to convince myself to go running, and I have to only eat in moderation.

I've also been tempted to just do nothing. To loaf around all day, watching TV, Facebooking for way longer than I need to, and not doing anything constructive. I kind of justify it to myself by saying that I'm not working, so I need something to occupy my time, but honestly, I could do much more productive things than watch TV! Hopefully my recent volunteering job will get me off my butt and actually doing something constructive for once! ;)

And, I've been tempted to spend the money I don't have on things I don't need - even though I try oh so hard to convince myself these things are a necessity.

What do you love about people? OR What do you love about [Person's Name]?

I have some time on my hands, so I'll answer both.

What I love about people in general is the good that can come from them. So many people just doing little things, like volunteering a few hours of their time, donating a few canned items to a food pantry, reading to inner city children, sending money to a charity - all of these things are so beautiful, and might seem somewhat insignificant or meaningless, but they add up and do so much good. When people do things out of the goodness of their heart, it just makes me want to cry from the beauty of selflessness.
I think that is the number one thing I love about people - when they are selfless and show unconditional love, whether that love is for a family member, friend, or a complete and total stranger. I think there is nothing more beautiful than doing something for someone and not expecting anything back in return.
I feel like I talk about him wayyy too much and you all are probably so sick of hearing about him, but these are some of the things I love about J.

-He calls every night, no matter how tired he is, to tell me about my day and to just talk to me for a few minutes so he can say goodnight.

-He knows when something is wrong with me, even over the phone, and even when I say that I'm okay (in a convincing voice, because I don't want to burden him with my small and unimportant problems, when he's dealing with so much at work).

-I love the way that even when I have on no makeup, or am wearing glasses, or after we went hiking and I was dripping with sweat (lovely visual, I know), he still tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful. And I really, truly think he means it.

-He is compassionate, more so than anyone else I have ever met. One time (the day he asked me out actually), when we were in the city, we passed a homeless man sleeping on the side of a building. J stopped, reached into his wallet, and handed the man a gift card to Dunkin Donuts that he had just gotten and had the full $25 on it. He never mentioned it again, but that small gesture just makes me smile when I think about it. He really truly cares about people and wants to help those in need.

-He does these thoughtful little things, like sending a card just because, or texting me throughout the day just to say that he misses me. I swoon for the little things.

And, what I love about all of YOU is the way that your comments bring me so much joy.
You're all so thoughtful with your words and your advice on certain situations, or just helping me feel like I'm not the onlyyyy one who finds inspiration in something, finds something annoying, etc. I really, from the bottom of my heart adore each and every one of you and all you have to offer :)
I'm hoping for MANY more conversations, words of wisdom, etc. as we all grow to know each other even more!
I'd love for ANY of you to answer this survey - it's a fun one!

I promise this is the last post about me for a bit :) I'll try to move on to much more interesting topics soon, I promise, promise!

Enjoy the rest of your week - I'll look forward to checking out your blogs this week! xo

Currently listening to: Mike Doughty - I Hear the Bells


♥Aubrey said...

WoW!!! That was definately a mouth full of WONDERFUL insight about YOU. I loved every single bit of it lady. Especially what your friend wrote about you, because it sounds A.LOT like myself. Of course, i would do WITHOUT the slut part too :)- Have a wonderful run. I'm soooo jealous...i only run when being chased.

Tracy-Girl said...

I love hearing about all of my blogger buddies. I love the insight! I know what you mean about going back to school and getting back into the swing of things... and long distance relationships are so hard, hang in there!! And, yay for getting your stride back in running... it feels incredible I bet!

Elizabeth Marie said...

OH wow honey...just when I thought I couldn't love you anymore! There is so much to say...I am so proud of you for working through your eating disorder and what strength it takes to share that with all of us...you and J are amazing and you deserve to be loved the way he loves you! Long distance sucks, but you guys seem to be doing just fine and that makes me so happy. I know it's a weird time with no school right now, but enjoy it because classes are just around the corner but not after a cupcake with me!

I got your email! Do you think I just make marinara and add a swig? One for me, one for the sauce...bwhahaha...

This post was amazing, every word. You inspire me so much and I am TRULY thankful for our friendship and I cant' wait to give you a big fat HUG! XOXO, Liz

captivate me. said...

you always write the most beautiful posts. I especially love the part of what you're most proud of. love it :-)

yiqin; said...

Wow, great post!I enjoy reading about you! Long distance is def hard :/

Carol said...

Great post!! Good for you for running! It's been so hot here all my motivation has been out the door. Hopefully I'll get back in my stride soon!

Couture Carrie said...

Love this survey and your answers, darling... it is always fun to learn more about my fave Fellow Fashionistas. I can totally empathize with you on a number of counts, especially the difficulty of long distance relationships...
Love Q#4 at the beginning of the post! And I adore running too :)


P.S. Great tune playing on your blog!

Hanako66 said...

you are such a cool person....I feel that if we ever meet in person, we would be fast friends...many things about us are similar!

I went to HP by myself and bought all sorts of candy and popcorn and a cherry coke and thoroughly enjoyed myself! ...enjoy your last year of school, it will be one of your best:)

Keith said...

Hey Allison. Great post. I always love reading these sort of posts from you. It's neat to learn more about what's on your mind and what makes you tick. I hope you're doing well. Take care. Enjoy the rest of your week. Cheers!

Lee said...

When I read one thing that relates to my life I think, "oh, that's neat". Then when a few more things relate, "this is crazy". But when the whole thing seems like a parallel to myself I smile. It's like you were meant to write this and I was meant to read it. Thank you :)

twenty.seven.cents said...

hey! My extreme apologise for the complete lack of comments or even reading of your post, but I am back [kinda - lol].
I agree with you wholeheartidly about going back to school. When I'm on holidays I feel like I have absolutely no structure. Like today, I did exactly what you described, I was in my pyjamas until about 4 o'clock and I watched crappy daytime tv and anime all day, because I felt sorry for myself because I had to go back to work yesterday. lol - I feel sorry for myself way too much. I think that THAT is a must-change for the rest of the year.
I can't believe none of your friends would go with you to Harry Potter! I'd definetly be there with complete nerd bells on if I could. lol.
Also, I don't think it's pathetic that you miss J after a month, I was a clingy mess for 3 weeks while I was away... so really, if you're pathetic, I must be pathetic's bitch. lol.

Looking forward to reading more posts and posting more of my own! :)

Lily G. said...

Great post! I loved getting to know you better.

Kristin said...

Hang in there sweetie. You are at a wonderful time in your life. Enjoy it!! I struggled with something similar and think it's very courageous to put it out there!

Lee said...

i love your comments. they always make me feel so much better. thank you!

Adela said...

i love reaidng these!


dapper kid said...

What a beautiful post :) No idea how I'm going to survive back at University either, I haven't worked all year lol. And I still haven't watched Harry Potter either, I refuse to sit in the cinema by myself!

Yay for surprise mail, I am more than sure he's sent you something beautiful :) Aww and how sweet of you to look out for your mother like that. It really is the smallest of things that have the most impact. And I really do hope you're grandfather is doing ok dear.

I always smile when I see elderly couples, they remind you of everything good in the world :) Wow and your dreamplace sounds soooo beautiful!! And you really do deserve to be proud of where you have gotten to dear. Overcoming any illness is a battle, and especially one so life altering.

Awwww and your answer to the last question was SO sweet. J sounds absoluuuuutely amazing! I am smiling so much, because it really does show how happy he makes you :)

Hope you're having a fabulous weekend dear.

zupu said...

The Harry Potter film.. so cute, I had the same problem my dear!

Such a lovely post to read bella!

Nicole Linette said...

This comment is much overdo, and I apologize profusely for it!! You gave honest, incredible answers, and I am very happy that you posted the tag :)

I hope by this point you've seen Harry Potter! That bites that no one wants to see it haha, but those books/movies, in my opinion, seem universally appealing. It is completely worth an $8 ticket in a crappy theatre ;).

Homecomingggg! That was yesterday :D! I cannot wait to find out how that went, you must have missed J dearly. July went by fast.

It must be very exciting that you're a senior in college, and I hope the year goes spectacular! The social side of things is always better than the academics, haha.

I love everything you mentioned that inspires you. Nature is so moving! So are elderly couples.

"My dream place would be a secluded (not in a creepy way)..." Hahaha :D, that's excellent. I totally get where you're coming from, and how cool is it that you've already experienced part of the dream.

What your friend said about you in the message seems so true! I mean, obviously I only know you through these blogs, but you're definitely a wonderful person.

Congratulations for making it through all those struggles with yourself, and loving who you are. Your bravery and determination are so admirable.

And I, as well, am tempted by the same things. Especially the food part, but I'm getting myself back on track by running and biking!

What an amazing post, you did this survey so well! Sorry for the outrageous comment :]