The other day, my friend T and I decided to have a strictly 'girls night.' As in, her disgusting boyfriend was not invited to tag along, as he always does, and always ruins the night with his antics (for example, the time we went to see Gran Torino, and because he threw a temper tantrum - seriously - and we had to stop at CVS to buy him jellybeans before the movie, we were 25 minutes late to see it...and then in the theater, he proceeded to stick his hand down T's shirt and feel her up...cool).
Now, I still do not know why T is dating this douchebag, but that is hardly the point. The point is, that the more time I spend with her, the more I get so frustrated to the point of tears with how she allowing a man to shape her morals and change everything she stands for. (And by this it is not a feminist thing - I don't like when anyone, male or female, gay or straight changes their own personal values and morals for a relationship).
She insisted that she was not 'allowed' to see Bruno, which was our original intention because her boyfriend had heard that there was too much male nudity in the movie and her boyfriend didn't want her seeing that. The same boyfriend who goes to strip clubs with his friends all the time, and has cheated on her numerous times - all of these times are of course, her fault, which she acknowledges (!!!).
We also were not able to meet until 5:30, even though she got out of work at 3:30. This is because, obviously, she had to go home and see her boyfriend (who lives with her in her parent's house) because he wants to be the first person to hear about her day before anyone else. Seriously?! Oh, and we would only be able to hang out until 8:30 p.m., because she works very early in the morning (understandable), and her boyfriend insisted that she comes home and spends time with him before bed too because he wants to be the last person she speaks to and sees at night before crawling into bed (am I being a complete monster when I say that I cannot understand this completely?).
I consider myself to be a very laid back, even tempered person. It takes a lot of rattle and upset me, but I can't lie, going into meeting up with her, I was already frustrated.
While yes, J has become a top priority in my life, he and I have an understanding that our friendships with other people are massively important to growth as a couple. When couples start abandoning their friends, I don't know, I just don't think that is a good sign. In my humble opinion (not that I have a massive amount of experience), I think that the balance between your relationship and your friendships is so, so important.
When J and I hang out with our other friends, we try not to constantly text each other and give our friends the respect that they deserve. I mean, I don't have any problem with occasional texts when I'm out with friends - I don't think that is too rude at all, but really, when it becomes a constant every two seconds thing, I start to have a problem with it. Am I a mayjah biotch, or do other people find the same thing annoying? (And I'm not trying to say that J and I are the benchmark of relationship standards, I know we have things people might think are annoying too!).
Anyway, so T and I met, and decided not to go see a movie, because Bruno was out of the question. Instead, we headed over to one of Jersey's kagillion diners, where I ate toast, bacon, sausage and chocolate cheesecake, and she sat texting her boyfriend the entire time, entering into the conversation with "Oh, yeah?" and "Yeah, I know." The conversation was going entirely from my side, since her Blackberry was constantly echoing the same text ringer over and over. I was sitting, playing with my food (slowly scraping my fork against my cheesecake and eating teeny tiny slivers - don't ask, I can't explain why), thinking to myself that I just might have had more fun sitting at home, on my bed, laying in the dark. Or possibly more fun boiling myself in acid.
Finally, she put her phone back in her bag, and sighed heavily. I found myself asking if everything was okay - sometimes, I'm so observant I just want to congratulate myself. She told me that her boyfriend wanted to go to a hockey game with his friends, but she told him he was not allowed to go and now he was pissed. I stared at her with with my head kind of cocked to the side - a typical confused face I seem to make. "Allowed?" I asked her with growing interest (and disgust, rolled up into one neat little package).
She explained that since she had caught him cheating (with his ex girlfriend who he lost his v-card to), he needed to ask her permission now before he did anything. He was no longer allowed to go anywhere where there could be females he would be attracted to and want to cheat with. I swear, I could feel my jaw start to slowly drop.
Again, not that I think J and I are without faults, but really, I think the minute that I have to start limiting where he is "allowed" to go, I'll end the relationship. What is the point of being with someone if you can't trust them to go to a hockey game with their friends? To me, trust is the most important aspect of a good relationship. Again, maybe because before dating J, I was single since my senior year of high school (three years), I do not have a good head on my shoulder in regards to what is acceptable in the realms of relationships. I'd like to think I do, but you never know, right?
The night went on (actually, not the night...the early evening). I got to hear the justification of why her boyfriend cheated, and how she had brought it on herself. She explained that after the first time he cheated, he felt so wrought with guilt and so awful that he cried. And after the second and third time, he thought he'd die without her. "Isn't that sweet of him to say?" she asked me. (Cue the head tilt/jaw drop on my end again). I asked her if I could say something and have her not get upset with me, but take it from someone who loves her and has known her since we both had bad skin and flat chests. She nodded that yes, I could give my opinion on the subject and she welcomed it (I knew this wasn't entirely true, but I could not just sit there any longer).
I asked her why, if E had felt so awful about this betrayal the first time, and was reduced to tears over it, why had he proceeded to do the same thing on other numerous occasions (that she knows about). She had nothing to say to that, and I felt like I was being a Debbie Downer, constantly finding the negative in every situation.
Have any of you ever been in a situation with a best friend where you found yourself constantly biting your tongue to refrain from lashing out about exactly how you feel?
As we hugged goodbye, all I could think of was that I was the happiest girl in the world to be able to call J my boyfriend and how much I appreciated the fact that I can trust him without having to constantly keep tabs on his whereabouts 24/7. I also could not push the notion out of my head that T and I really might be drastically starting to drift apart...
So, thoughts? Am I completely out of line? I just don't know anymore because maybe I am entirely wrong, and everyone really does deserve a third, fourth, fifth, twenty-eighth chance. Anyone else have a similar story when you hated one of your friends boyfriends or girlfriends?
Sorry for the complaining, darlings. I promise it won't be a permanent thing.
Currently listening to: Alexi Murdoch - All My Days