Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Beginning of the End?

The other day, my friend T and I decided to have a strictly 'girls night.' As in, her disgusting boyfriend was not invited to tag along, as he always does, and always ruins the night with his antics (for example, the time we went to see Gran Torino, and because he threw a temper tantrum - seriously - and we had to stop at CVS to buy him jellybeans before the movie, we were 25 minutes late to see it...and then in the theater, he proceeded to stick his hand down T's shirt and feel her up...cool).

Now, I still do not know why T is dating this douchebag, but that is hardly the point. The point is, that the more time I spend with her, the more I get so frustrated to the point of tears with how she allowing a man to shape her morals and change everything she stands for. (And by this it is not a feminist thing - I don't like when anyone, male or female, gay or straight changes their own personal values and morals for a relationship).

She insisted that she was not 'allowed' to see Bruno, which was our original intention because her boyfriend had heard that there was too much male nudity in the movie and her boyfriend didn't want her seeing that. The same boyfriend who goes to strip clubs with his friends all the time, and has cheated on her numerous times - all of these times are of course, her fault, which she acknowledges (!!!).

We also were not able to meet until 5:30, even though she got out of work at 3:30. This is because, obviously, she had to go home and see her boyfriend (who lives with her in her parent's house) because he wants to be the first person to hear about her day before anyone else. Seriously?! Oh, and we would only be able to hang out until 8:30 p.m., because she works very early in the morning (understandable), and her boyfriend insisted that she comes home and spends time with him before bed too because he wants to be the last person she speaks to and sees at night before crawling into bed (am I being a complete monster when I say that I cannot understand this completely?).

I consider myself to be a very laid back, even tempered person. It takes a lot of rattle and upset me, but I can't lie, going into meeting up with her, I was already frustrated.
While yes, J has become a top priority in my life, he and I have an understanding that our friendships with other people are massively important to growth as a couple. When couples start abandoning their friends, I don't know, I just don't think that is a good sign. In my humble opinion (not that I have a massive amount of experience), I think that the balance between your relationship and your friendships is so, so important.

When J and I hang out with our other friends, we try not to constantly text each other and give our friends the respect that they deserve. I mean, I don't have any problem with occasional texts when I'm out with friends - I don't think that is too rude at all, but really, when it becomes a constant every two seconds thing, I start to have a problem with it. Am I a mayjah biotch, or do other people find the same thing annoying? (And I'm not trying to say that J and I are the benchmark of relationship standards, I know we have things people might think are annoying too!).

Anyway, so T and I met, and decided not to go see a movie, because Bruno was out of the question. Instead, we headed over to one of Jersey's kagillion diners, where I ate toast, bacon, sausage and chocolate cheesecake, and she sat texting her boyfriend the entire time, entering into the conversation with "Oh, yeah?" and "Yeah, I know." The conversation was going entirely from my side, since her Blackberry was constantly echoing the same text ringer over and over. I was sitting, playing with my food (slowly scraping my fork against my cheesecake and eating teeny tiny slivers - don't ask, I can't explain why), thinking to myself that I just might have had more fun sitting at home, on my bed, laying in the dark. Or possibly more fun boiling myself in acid.

Finally, she put her phone back in her bag, and sighed heavily. I found myself asking if everything was okay - sometimes, I'm so observant I just want to congratulate myself. She told me that her boyfriend wanted to go to a hockey game with his friends, but she told him he was not allowed to go and now he was pissed. I stared at her with with my head kind of cocked to the side - a typical confused face I seem to make. "Allowed?" I asked her with growing interest (and disgust, rolled up into one neat little package).

She explained that since she had caught him cheating (with his ex girlfriend who he lost his v-card to), he needed to ask her permission now before he did anything. He was no longer allowed to go anywhere where there could be females he would be attracted to and want to cheat with. I swear, I could feel my jaw start to slowly drop.

Again, not that I think J and I are without faults, but really, I think the minute that I have to start limiting where he is "allowed" to go, I'll end the relationship. What is the point of being with someone if you can't trust them to go to a hockey game with their friends? To me, trust is the most important aspect of a good relationship. Again, maybe because before dating J, I was single since my senior year of high school (three years), I do not have a good head on my shoulder in regards to what is acceptable in the realms of relationships. I'd like to think I do, but you never know, right?

The night went on (actually, not the night...the early evening). I got to hear the justification of why her boyfriend cheated, and how she had brought it on herself. She explained that after the first time he cheated, he felt so wrought with guilt and so awful that he cried. And after the second and third time, he thought he'd die without her. "Isn't that sweet of him to say?" she asked me. (Cue the head tilt/jaw drop on my end again). I asked her if I could say something and have her not get upset with me, but take it from someone who loves her and has known her since we both had bad skin and flat chests. She nodded that yes, I could give my opinion on the subject and she welcomed it (I knew this wasn't entirely true, but I could not just sit there any longer).

I asked her why, if E had felt so awful about this betrayal the first time, and was reduced to tears over it, why had he proceeded to do the same thing on other numerous occasions (that she knows about). She had nothing to say to that, and I felt like I was being a Debbie Downer, constantly finding the negative in every situation.
Have any of you ever been in a situation with a best friend where you found yourself constantly biting your tongue to refrain from lashing out about exactly how you feel?

As we hugged goodbye, all I could think of was that I was the happiest girl in the world to be able to call J my boyfriend and how much I appreciated the fact that I can trust him without having to constantly keep tabs on his whereabouts 24/7. I also could not push the notion out of my head that T and I really might be drastically starting to drift apart...

So, thoughts? Am I completely out of line? I just don't know anymore because maybe I am entirely wrong, and everyone really does deserve a third, fourth, fifth, twenty-eighth chance. Anyone else have a similar story when you hated one of your friends boyfriends or girlfriends?

Sorry for the complaining, darlings. I promise it won't be a permanent thing.

Currently listening to: Alexi Murdoch - All My Days


Tracy-Girl said...

I think it is hopefully the beginning of the end for her. I have had friends like that dating a guy that I knew was not right. Its hard because you feel like you dont want to tell them what to do, but you know they can do better. Its only because you care so much about her. I can't believe he didnt want her to see Bruno because of the Male Nudity parts... how old is she? Yeah, thats really immature! Wow. Hope things get better for you... I know that can be really frustrating. Thanks for sharing, I think we all have similar experiences to that!

♥Aubrey said...

OMG...ALLOWED...what the fruit! I think that she is dependent on him and she is clinging to him in every way, shape & form. She needs to be an individual. She is young and this BOY has obviously no respect for her or their relationship. As he's already demonstrated by cheating on her, not once, but many MANY times. You are doing the right thing as a friend and pointing out the obvious. She can't see it because she is blinded by love...or so thinks she is. Frustrating this must be to see her go through this, but you need to make sure it doesn't affect your friendship. Don't let her bring you down. What a story you've shared with us, thanks ♥

Lily G. said...

Oh wow, your friend's bf sounds like a controlling, jealous jerk. I can't believe that he basically tells her how to live her life and makes decisions for her. She must be blinded by "love" I guess? I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're drifting apart, but I'm sure you're not the only friend that feels that way about her. At least you're lucky to have an amazing bf to come home to =)


HiFashion said...

You are completely justified in your thoughts. I'm lucky: I just got out of a relationship with a guy who thought that while he was out with mates at a club, I should stay at home like a good girl and 'not build a bad rep for myself'. I'm glad I got out when I did.
About cheating: I would make sure that there never is a 2nd time.
He sounds like a complete idiot.
I think you need to tell her what she doesn't want to hear.

Keith said...

That is terrible. That guy is definitely a douchebag. I would not want to be in a relationship where I could not trust the person I was dating. I also don't want to be told what I can or cannot do. I want someone that I can love and be committed to. I also want someone that we can spend time apart. She definitely is not in a healthy relationship. I hope she wises up and moves on. I'm sorry what this has done to your friendship. I've had friends who have been in bad relationships. I want to try to help them out, but I know they don't want to hear it. Good luck. I'm glad you've got a great boyfriend. He's got a wonderful girlfriend in you. Take care. Enjoy your weekend.

Couture Carrie said...

Your poor friend! This guy sounds like a total loser... but it's hard to convince someone of that; they have to decide for themselves... I wish your friend lots of luck. It's wonderful that she has someone like you to look out for her best interest!


Carol said...

I agree, sounds like the beginning of the end. I hope everything works out okay for them! on a lighter note, I tagged you on my blog!

Susanna-Cole said...

Aw, no you're not out of line at all, dear! You're just trying to be a good friend, and it must be so difficult to see a friend being controlled by someone whose such a negative influence and certainly not worthy of your friend. :(

I'm so independent and hate being bossed around or controlled, that it's hard for me to understand why anyone would want to allow that in their lives, especially when it's not out of love or respect, he's just taking advantage of her. >_<

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice, but hope she dumps this dude soon, and thanks you for being a good friend and looking out for her! :)

Hope you've been well otherwise, dear! <3


Hanako66 said...

what an unhealthy relationship...from the first/last person issue to living with her family and STILL cheating to the whole "allowed" situation, it is all just a nightmare. unfortunately there probably isn't anything that you can do about it, I know those girls and they just take it and take it.

dapper kid said...

My mother taught me never to speak ill of people I do not know...but this guy sounds like a manipulative, controlling, moronic, douchebag (never used that word before, and I must say, it sounds like rather a nice cuss...well not nice, but you know what I mean). If a relationship ever strays into the 'allowed' realm, you know you were meant to cut loose a while back!

I am at a loss to see why she lets him live with her, at her parent's house no less. She has to go straight home after work just for him?!! What a control freak, that is seriously disturbing. It's like he has her on a leash. Whether she can see it, or chooses not to, that is not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form. Just for that reason the alarm bells should not only be ringing, but deafening.

And yick, cheating even once is deplorable. But even then, I suppose we can all make mistakes. Provided the apology is truly sincere and they try their hardest to bridge the gap, maybe things can still work out. But a number of times? He's clingy, forbids her to see BrĂ¼no because he is insecure...and yet he feels perfectly fine cheating?!

I really do admire how well you reacted to the situation dear. If it had been me, I would have slapped T (gently but enough to shock) and told her to wake up. I would not even bother with the guy, just cut him out, ignore him (perhaps after shouting some well deserved profanities his way when closing the door) and forget the whole sorry ordeal.

On a lighter note, I really do hope you are well dear :)

Kicking couture said...

That relationship, gah its no good for either of them! shes worried all the time and makes excuses for him and hes a cheater and will always be until he finds the right girl.

She should dump him, its a toxic relationship or he should have the courtesy to do it.

J seems like such a sweetheart!

La Couturier said...

Ugh, that really is despicable. The boyfriend and the fact that your friend (no offense) is so attached & dependent on him! It seems as if she has indeed forgone all her individuality & priorities (the girls!).

Point is, you're not out of line at all. T just needs to re-find herself; until then, it'll be hard for you to be friends with her.

La C.

Nicole Linette said...

First off, I love coming to your blog Allison, because of your amazing iPod mix! Haha, I appreciate the comment you left to my about my taste in music, yet when I heard "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service, I gave a huge smile :D

I laughed a lot during this post, because I've gone through similar experiences and have had the same hair-pulling desires amongst a friend that is blind sided by a possessive boyfriend. In fact, we aren't really friends anymore. But I honestly hope that doesn't happen to you! I'm sorry about the situation, though staying chill and just listening is probably most effective. I know it's hard to sit back and watch, but trying to help seems to piss off one half of the other ... ahhh I don't want to sound all negative and doom-like here, but T isn't going to let go until she realizes it for herself how toxic the relationship is!!
Perhaps everyone else that comments has more useful words o_O.

Anyway, J sounds like a lovely boyfriend. I'm glad you're happy with him :)


Elizabeth Marie said...

Oh wow...How did I miss this post?! Sorry love!

Ok..."ALLOWED"...not ok. And being cheated on 3 times is not ok either. I feel for her because I think I've been her before, but I've also been in your position-it's hard to watch your friend disintegrate before your eyes. You're being such a good friend, and all you can do is hope that they end it. This guy doesn't want to hear a piece of my mind haha.

I'm glad you have someone you can trust and makes you happy. I love you girl!