Friday, April 3, 2009

"You've got a lure I can't deny, but you've had your chance, so say goodbye..."

The weather today is like something out of The Day After Tomorrow - I had to drive home from work today at 12, and I honestly didn't think that I was going to make it back to school...roads were flooded, trees were scattered here and there, branches piling in the road, and the dirt was mixing with the rain making the streets a horrible brown color. It's the kind of day that you want to stay in bed til noon, have soup, and watch countless hours of TV, or movies (or if I was home, try and talk someone into playing Monopoly or Scrabble with me to no avail).

This is going to sound so lame, but to me today, the horrible weather was completely symbolic of the mood I've been in lately. I can't seem to shake this terrible attitude and mood about pretty much everything. And the worst part is that I can't seem to pinpoint what is triggering it, or if it's just an accumulation of things piling up.

I'm an over achiever - I try and do it all, and have a hard time saying no to people when they ask me to help them out. So on top of 18 credits this semester, I'm babysitting for four different families (which I promise is actually a lot harder than it sounds), vice president of a club on campus, in a sorority, working on a volunteer project to revamp a school library in Philly, getting everything straightened out/ready for my trip to China in May, training for the marathon in September, doing endless amounts of homework and projects, and trying to have somewhat of a social life. Now, I know that people are doing twice as much as me and still surviving, so good for them. They can obviously handle it better than I can.

Lately, I've been thinking about getting rid of the some of the things that are just weighing me down...and unfortunately I think some things on that list are some of my relationships. We all have them - the relationships that just take, take, take and never give back; the relationships that just emotionally and physically drain you; the ones that when you think about it, really aren't worth it, though you keep trying to rationalize that they are.

I have a few of those relationships, and lately I've really been wondering what is holding me back from just severing the ties, and moving on with my life.

One relationship that really comes to mind is a guy who if you had asked me last year, I would have said was my best friend named R. He and I met in 9th grade, where we both volunteered as tutors in an inner city nearby. We hit it off immediately and the friendship progressed from there. Soon, we were on the phone every single night, for hours at a time, trading stories back and forth, venting about frustrations with school and parents. He was one of the first people I opened up to about my eating disorders, and he consoled me and came to visit me while I was at rehab (he was the only one of my friends to do that). All the family drama I went through, he was by my side. We started casually dating junior year, I went to his prom with him, we spent quite a bit of time together, without that "boyfriend/girlfriend" title, though it was known that neither of us were dating anyone else. Gradually, as these things seem to do, we drifted from dating to just going back and being friends again, which we did effortlessly.

Senior year, we had a huge blowout, one that I thought was the end of our friendship. We didn't speak to one another from December until May (which for us was a huge deal), and I missed him terribly during that time, but was insistent that I would not make the first move because the whole situation was his fault (and he admits that too). It wasn't until my biological father died on April 9, 2006 that I really felt the full effect of not having R there as a shoulder to cry on. Every day I contemplated whether or not I should be the one to reach out to him, but felt selfish doing so, because I wanted him back in my life so that I could go to him, cry to him. He had a unique way of making me forget that anything was wrong. He ended up calling me a month-ish later, fully apologetic (the second time in our friendship that he has ever apologized) and told me that he would do anything to have things get back to how they were, and again, with little effort, we slid back into familiar territory.

Things changed again, as we headed off to school... he went off to Cornell, joined a frat for "billionaire boys" (his words, not mine), and started sleeping with every girl imaginable. Our phone conversations were limited to the drunk dials I received at 2 or 3 a.m. where he would be screaming things at me over the loud bass of Lil Wayne songs, with girls in the background going "Who are you talking to babyyy?" slurring all of their words. And like an idiot, I would pick up, no matter what time he called. Let me tell you, I spent many nights out in the hallway like a moron wrapped in a blanket so that I could talk to him - which he would never even remember the next day. The worst part was that he was the nicest to me when he was wasted - the rest of the time he started acting like a major ass, when he actually would make fun of my past history with eating disorders (with super original when I said "Omygosh, I ate so much today!" he would say "And I'm sure you threw it all up after...").

One night, when we were talking, R said something to me that just took me back - he told me, "Al, you're the kind of girl that a guy wants to marry, but doesn't want to date right now. I want to have my fun and sleep with as many girls as possible, and then find a girl like you to marry when I'm ready to settle down. I wouldn't date you because you're not the kind of girl that a guy like me dates, because a guy like me wants a slut." Now, while I should have been flattered that he doesn't view me as a slut, the thought of being someone's last pick isn't exactly too appealing to me, as I'm sure most girls would agree. Why would I want to be the girl that someone comes to when they're done having all their fun (and bringing me loads of STDs).?
Anyway, one night during winter break this year, R told me that he loved me and always would, and I would always be "that person" for him - the one who when he was divorced and alone he would think of how it could have been. He then said that he hoped that one day I would give him a chance, because he knew that we could be great together. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw - after Big has his heart surgery, tells her all these wonderful things, and she feels like he's made a 360 and completely is going to change. For the first time in three years, I felt like we were making some progress. By that time it was like 5 a.m., so he had me promise to call him the next day, which, like a total moron, I did happily. Again, like in Sex and the City, the dear, sweet R who I had convinced myself had suddenly changed, just as quickly returned to the same old jackass as before. I informed him that the previous night, he had been so sweet, and said the nicest things to me that he had ever said. His reply - "Oh, well last night not only was I drunk, but I was high too!" Double winner. Seriously, when I watched that episode of Sex and the City the other night with my roommate, I cried and I couldn't stop, and she just knew that was the reason (I know, lame, lame.) She just hugged me, and told me that he is not worth it, and that I am always the one who is putting the effort forth to absolutely no avail.

It's hard, even now, for me to admit how much things have changed. I keep going back to being like "Oh, but he was there for me in rehab..." or "But, he would surprise me with flowers." Sometimes, I think you just have to stop living in the past, and thinking about the "what ifs," because now I know that kind of relationship isn't worth it to me. When does a relationship stop being worth the effort we put out? And how much weight should the past hold on the present?

Anyone with anything similar happen - a time when you realized a relationship just might not be worth it anymore? It's heavy, I know. Much, much too heavy for a Friday.

As I finish up writing this now, the sun is starting to peek out of the clouds, the rain has stopped, the trees are in full blooms, with their gorgeous pink flowers contrasting against the wood of the trees that haven't quite gotten their leaves back yet. And I'm hopeful for what's to come.

Sorry for bitching, everyone. I hope your weekends are fabulous - anybody doing anything special?

Listening to: Nothing Better - The Postal Service
(fitting, huh? If you haven't heard it, definitely give it a listen - The Postal Service are fantastic, especially if you're a mayjah Death Cab fan!)


Hanako66 said...

I'm so sorry...that episode always gets me and I do not directly relate to it, so I can't imagine how it must make you feel. It is a shame because by the time he gets his act together, you will be gone. One day, he will be a memory and you will have your Aiden. Or, maybe one day, if it is meant to be, he will be your Mr. Big....but my odd metaphorical point is that you need your Aidens and your Burgers in between:) You are a smart cookie...and really will be fine:)

Have a great weekend!

molly said...

hello lovey
i must say you are a fabulous writer, you express yourself with much grace
i'd sorry to hear about the personal problems in your life. i can relate to being hung up on a guy who deep down you KNOW is not worth your while.
at least he clearly has respect for you, though from what little i know about you, i know you are worthy of a true prince charming - and i feel fully confident that you will find one!
much love :)

Couture Carrie said...

Oh honey I'm sorry this guy doesn't know what he has in you! His loss....
Thanks for sharing this and just know that you are good enough for right now, later, and forever, and that he is not good enough for you!

Enjoy le weekend, darling A!


Aren Becks said...

Last Wednesday our river overflowed and the banks were completely covered with water. And there were so many ditches, pot holes, and trees blocking traffic. It was hell. I'm an over-achiever too. But in order to graduate our state poured even more credits you needed to graduate, and next year they are thinking of switching to tri-mesters which is going to be brutal. Death Cab & The Postal Service = <3.

Jocelyn said...

Wow Allison, this post struck a cord in me. I'm really sure what it was but I hope that you figure out things with R I am sorry he is bi-polar in the way he feels about you. That is really hard. I hope that you will be able to figure out your relationship. I can't imagine getting those drunk dials, that would have ripped me apart! You're strong Allison and he is missing out on you, while he plays with these other STD filled chicks. I hope he realizes that.

I know what you mean about not knowing if a relationship is worth it. I am sure you remember all my posts about Alec. Well things with him are still up in the air and I care about him so much, but the distance and religion barrier puts such a strain on both of us, I just can't let go of him and those 3 stupid words, even though it's really hard sometimes.

(I am listening to Nothing Better now just so I could put myself in your shoes while reading that. It's so cool how music can do that! Often times I wonder how many people are singing along to the same song as me at exactly this moment, it's pretty trippy to think about!)

I think the only way we can make it through these relationships is live in the present. Looking back is too nostalgic and makes me sick to my stomach wishing I could go back. But the future is too scary and uncertain. I just try and live it one day at a time and only do what makes me happy :) Hope this helps! Thanks Allison.


La Couturier said...

You really are a fabulous writer; I love how you have no inhibitions in writing your heart out =]

Girrrl. It's his loss. =] Just keep that in mind!

This weekend... it's my birthday! So bday celebrations to come =]

La C.

•¦Amy¦• said...

Sorry you're feeling so down dear!

I know what you mean about having to let certain relationships go. It's sad, but sometimes it just has to happen.

Oh, and don't get me started on bad weather. It scares me so terribly. We haven't had anything too bad lately but there've been some really gusty winds the past week. Like 85 MPH. Crazy stuff.

Stay safe driving in that stuff!

AsiaValentina said...

It's his loss! And I love your writing style, it seems to come so naturally. I hope things will get better for you :)

dapper kid said...

So beautifully written dear. Sorry to hear things are down lately, I suppose doing so much, you don't realise you don't have the time to air out your problems...busy schedules make trouble disappear at first but then come piling down :(

And R sounds like he was absolutely fabulous, but now I suppose it seems a tad cheesy to say "people change". My mother always told me that I knew someone was my real friend if I angered them three times, and each time they chose to simply forgive me. I guess it's one of those cases where people just drift apart. You are both no longer the people you were then, and now you could just be holding onto a memory of who they were, if that makes sense? By the sounds of it, he can only be that person when he's drunk...or high (yick I hate the smell of cannabis lol). The moment you have an overriding negativity in any relationship, whether it be a friend or more, you have to evaluate why are you are still keeping that relationship 'going'. He seems to be just taking you for complete granted as one day coming back to him, but that's just a selfish attitude. Cut em loose and listen to what your heart and brain tell you now, not what they used to.

amynicola_ox said...

aww allison i'm so sorry,
and so glad i'm back to talk w/ you again. r, really doesn't know what he's missing out on, you should never think of yourself as last pick, your a classy and fantastic girl & last but not least really great writer. this must be so cathartic to have done!
i hope your weekend was good!

Keith said...

Hey Allison. I am so sorry about this. That is terrible. This guy sounds like a real creep. You deserve much better. I only know you from your blogging, but you sound like a wonderful and really caring person. Any guy should be honored to have you in his life. This guy doesn't realize how good he's got it with you. I'm sure you will decide what's best for you, whether you still want him in your life or not. Good luck. I do hope it all works out with this and everything else. You definitely need to rest and relax some. You are doing way too much. Take good care of yourself.

Eddie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eddie said...

R sounds like your typical testosterone-filled confused mess that is usual for someone his age. What's NOT usual is the way he treated you. He should have been honest with you.

There are men out there who are true to what they say and make it their business to never, I mean NEVER hurt the one he "LOVES." Trust me, they're out there.

As always, R will realize your true meaning in his life but of course, it will be too late. So is the story of life.

Remember though, I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and your life will travel a predetermined path (I really believe that). Whether you chooses to come a full 180 at a later time in your life and you find yourself again in his company, then it's meant to be. On the other hand, you may also meet the love of your life as you walk out your front door tomorrow.

R will suddenly mean zilch and you will never lose sleep over the dude again.

Sorry you're contemplating severing your relationship with him. He did sound like a nice guy, but unfortunately nice guys give back... and he my dear... hasn't.

You deserve a 10.

Besitos my darling Allison

La Couturier said...

You're such a good writer! =]

And thank you for leaving such sweet birthday wishes; love yah lots, darling! <3

La C.

Tracy-Girl said...

Isn't it crazy how fast our lives change and what different things come our way in such small periods of time! You definitely have a lot on your plate - embrace it as much as you can... you will be really proud of yourself one day soon! Sometimes staying busy is the best cure.

Emz said...

Oh wow... Sex and the City always gets to me with that back and forth Big/Carrie relationship. But if its meant to be, it'll be. Meanwhile, don't just sit there letting him feel like he's always got you- Go out and meet new boys! If he really loves you that much he'll regret what he does, but I really appreciate how you're so open about your problems. I hope more people will open up instead of keeping their problems in!

captivateme said...

In relationships, unfortunately, there is no clear're done when you're done. No doubts, no regrets, you're just ready to walk away. Some people have lower thresholds than others but either way, it's one of those things that unfold differently for everyone...I hear your pain though, my dear. It's clear in your writing though, you know he just doesn't deserve you :-)

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